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Saturday, October 22nd, 2016

Time:3:24 pm.
Ka is a semi-recent addition to one of my accounts. She was added 10 months ago at the beginning of the year, though it feels longer because our line of work is fast-moving and it can feel like we pack two years of work into one. What I want to say is, Ka is weird. The other day we went for a coffee break and she kept talking about tattoos like it's a normal thing that everybody gets. Once she gets going, there's no stopping her. When she paused for a moment and asked if I had any tattoos and I said no, she continued ranting on about my "virgin skin," as if that makes me the outlier because the default state is everyone in the world has tattoos. This by the way is the same person who quickly ruined "Portrait of Dorian Gray" and "Lord of the Flies," classics I was planning to read, by telling me the whole plot and the ending and the meaning of the book. The words flew out of her mouth so quickly I couldn't even stop her!

It must be an East Coast vs. West Coast thing. Ka is an East Coast (which is to say culturally looking to Europe) person and I am a West Coast (which is to say culturally looking to Asia) person. Being an East Coast person, Ka will tell you the whole story and ruin the plot for you quickly because she sees life as a competition. She must quickly tell you her complete story before some interruptor swoops in and beats her to it or diverts my attention away. In her mind, she thinks "Me Me Me," and the purpose of conversations for her is to get her point across.

By contrast, I am pretty horrified by such encounters with Ka. First, because it feels like I'm in prison to her line of thought. She doesn't allow natural breaks in conversation where, for example, I can interject and say, "hey, stop telling me plot-spoilers!" You may say, "well then confront her about it later and tell her you don't like it." But that's not my style. I am a very non-confrontational person who would rather avoid conflict and de-escalate the situation and later talk about the person behind their back. Unfortunately, in English this idea and expression has a negative connotation, but can't do anything about that!

That's all I have to say about that.

In other news, I am going to watch the same hula show tonight as I saw last weekend. It's all because of one song: "Nothing Left" by Kygo. Norwegian house repurposed to Hawaiian nation building. When I heard/saw the act last Saturday it did make me cry. Good thing it was in a dark and large theater and I was flanked by white, uncaring strangers. Can you imagine the awkwardness if my seat neighbors tried to comfort me? Point being, first, what will happen to Hawaii over the next 50 or 100 years? Will Hawaiian language make a resurgence? It already has, in the last 40 years, the number of native speakers increased from 5,000 to 26,000. Does this point to a more fragmented, localized world as a reaction to globalization where it's quite obvious San Francisco and New Delhi are next door, and next door to Stockholm. Places like Togo, Bolivia, and Northern Brazil on the other hand are very far away, much further than even South Africa which is on the same continent. Where was I going with this? Oh yes, this song written by a Norwegian house DJ encapsulating Hawaii's work of preserving its culture, points to a certain phenomenon happening in the world. I would describe it as "artisanal branding." Cultural appropriation. It's happening in India too, quite in full force, a la lotus petals floating atop mirror-still rain pools, yoga accessories and crystals, enlightenment for sale. Isn't there another way? I have to say, maybe Belarus is doing the right thing - going full on isolationist during the current period of "globalization whether you like it or not."

That reminds me, what are we to think of people who vote for Donald Trump? Should we tell them we hate them? Should we tar and feather them? Should we ignore them and pretend they don't exist? Well, truly there are many stupid and loud people in the world. And sometimes they infringe on our life. The thing to do is to pretend to be nice to their face and secretly hate them behind their back.
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Thursday, October 20th, 2016

Time:11:06 am.
When the world is exploding around us, what else can we be but an ocean of calm.
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Time:9:22 am.
Company dropped the F bomb this morning, meaning plan freeze of their retirement plan. During such times of stress, we tend to turn to friends and family for emotional support. But can anyone ever truly understand, is it fair to burden others with our own problems, and do you really want to be emotionally dependent like that? I think I'll deal with this one on my own and avoid all the condescending condolences.
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Wednesday, October 19th, 2016

Time:1:31 pm.
An is so beautiful. He sent me a topless photo this morning with his new haircut and it convinced me to agree to the dick massage class he wanted me to attend with him.
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Monday, October 17th, 2016

Time:12:37 am.
I like to sleep in boxers.

How did I get to this decision in life, given the many choices? I came to it in college, preferring to walk around in boxers in my dorm suite, despite or perhaps because of the presence of straight men who did the same.

Many gay guys around here transitioned to sleeping in the nude. I could see how someone would come to that conclusion. Although I never felt comfortable doing that, even though I have tried it on occasion.

I feel most at home in the Southwest: Arizona, Nevada, New Mexico. I like the desert, it's golden sun, orange cliffs, desert shrubs. I like the dry heat it emanates, it makes me feel relaxed. In my daily life I eat too much, but being in that climate makes me less hungry. I think it slows down time.

I think too much. I walk around absorbing multiple layers of information, processing it quickly. I wish I could switch it off. The desert, LA being an example of a desert climate, helps me do that.ni guess this means I better plan a trip there soon. I don't know when. My free time is booked for the foreseeable future: watching the hula show the second time next weekend. Thanksgiving is booked with Greece. Christmas is a family trip. Even March is booked already with Japan. Traditionally Thanksgiving and Christmas have been my opportunities to visit the Southwest, but it hasn't worked out this year. I can't afford these international trips I have booked, but you never can look back with regret. All you can do is look forward and start planning the Southwest Thanksgiving Roadtrip of 2017. I ask myself: do I want to invite An after he rejected my invite for the romp through Scandinavia? I'm on the fence about it.
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Friday, October 14th, 2016

Time:11:40 pm.
I find the argument that sexual preference isn't racism to be old and stale and false. Of course it's racism. It's the epitome of racism. Hello!
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Time:11:21 pm.
The day ends where it began: selfish people screwing me over given half a chance.
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Time:11:12 pm.
Got too drunk with coworkers. Said some things I probably shouldn't have. Also learned some things that were interesting but kind of knew already like Na being sticky and a top. Well everyone has their preferences.
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Time:4:50 pm.
A city full of excuses, a city full of bullshit.
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Wednesday, October 12th, 2016

Time:5:09 pm.
The cold breeze, ice rink getting set up. Actually I like winter.
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Time:10:37 am.
The new hire I don't like because she is guided by her emotions was gushing about how scared she was of her exam. It made me wonder whether my lack of interest in the dating scene is related to my control over my emotions. On a related note, in college I always convinced myself to have sex using the premise that's what it meant to love life to the fullest. But in retrospect does that expression equate to letting emotions control one's actions?
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Monday, October 10th, 2016

Time:2:13 pm.
I wish my parents taught me how to deal with the unexpected rather than avoiding it: pets, disabled people, unknown strangers at parties.
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Sunday, October 2nd, 2016

Time:4:30 pm.
I lack sympathy. Sometimes it's a good thing. But clearly this is why I'm still single. I wish I could regain this ability, ideally so I can use it selectively. I hope it's not something that either you have or you don't.
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Saturday, October 1st, 2016

Time:10:08 pm.
I miss LA.

San Francisco's interpretation of diversity is a bunch of people who looks different and come from different ethnic backgrounds (but the same social class), sitting around having conversations about the same thing: the tech industry, or how one of them scored a reservation at the latest hottest trendy culturally-appropriating restaurant.

LA's interpretation of diversity is the allowing of worlds within worlds. A typical LA experience is finding yourself in an environment where everyone looks the same, but you are different than them. It might be a Latino laundromat playing telenovelas, or a mono-racial house party where you are of another race. Such experiences are common in LA, which is more of a tossed salad, than SF which is more of a melting pot, or a pressure cooker may be a better analogy.
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Monday, September 12th, 2016

Time:10:20 pm.
Education and one's upbringing is like baking a pie. You get threat ingredients, try to get good grades in school, go to the best college you can get into, assemble the ingredients with care into the best person you can be.

Then when you are fully-formed and come into the world, you find guys want to fuck you bareback and use you for their pleasure, making you dirty and disregarding the care with which you prepared yourself for this adulthood.

That's what I find most disgusting: not the STD's that come with barebacking, but the disrespect for my humanity and ignoring the effort and care I invested in my edification and preparation that brought me to this moment. This is what it's like to be treated like a thing and not a person and I hate it. As much as I find An physically attractive, without the mental and spiritual connection, to him I am just another source of blowjobs.
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Thursday, September 8th, 2016

Time:1:32 am.
Today I went for a walk in Stockholm, flew from Europe to New York and then San Francisco, did laundry and grocery shopping, and had bareback sex with Wi (my first time). He was an really good top, likes to kiss, hits all the right spots with his dick. We fucked to orgasm twice. It was all very warm and comfortable except the first time the condom broke. "You're negative, right?" he asked. He was a medical researcher who always uses condoms. Well, except that period of time he was on the first version of PrEP, and possibly even then.

Wi is a 39yo Americanized Filipino. As opposed to a Filipino-American, because he still feels a strong connection with the Philippines and moves back and forth it seems every few years. He finished medical school there.

We used a ton of lube. I guess what I mean is, I am not that worried. Maybe I've mellowed with age (10-15 years ago I would really be freaking out about the broken condom). Maybe it's his personality and medical background. Plus there's the flu-like symptoms you're supposed to get shortly after you've been exposed to HIV. For whatever reason, I don't feel concerned and don't plan to freak out about it for the next six months. In fact, I was so unconcerned, we fucked again half and hour after the first time. That said, this does give a reason to get tested in six months.

So how was it? I didn't notice much difference. Certainly not enough of a difference to risk my life over. For him it was probably a big difference. He got and stayed hard more quickly and easily without the condom. Though the barebacking only lasted maybe a minute, I could still tell that sort of thing.

I plan to text him again.
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Tuesday, September 6th, 2016

Time:11:21 pm.
You get to see many interesting things in Grindr in Stockholm. For example, did you know not all Swedish guys are hairless? Some have very hairy chest and stomach. Another interesting observation is how many guys are looking for handjobs and/or to give blowjobs. This is a very polite place.
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Time:11:14 pm.
5am Wake up
5:30am Leave hotel
6am T-Centralen
7am Arlanda
9am Flight to Newark
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Friday, August 26th, 2016

Subject:Sweden gay
Time:6:50 pm.

Hör av dig om du är nyfiken på oss

Please let me know if you are curious about us
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Tuesday, August 23rd, 2016

Subject:Fleeting thoughts
Time:8:43 am.
Beauty standard. The most handsome guys are big and chubby.

What is Sweden? Had it been defined or is it open to definition like the US?
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LiveJournal for al1835.

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