Omg Ma is a total psycho. First says he wants to go to San Diego and calls, texts, and emails though I am sleeping. Then I try to get a hold of him all day and he ignores me. What a weirdo. All the more reason to move on from LA.

Do you ever feel if you die it wouldn't matter? The world would continue as usual and no one would blink an eye. I have been feeling that way lately like I have been forgotten, dropped by the wayside. That is my one of my greatest fears, that I don't matter. I know there is a perspective that says nothing really matters and that we should live a life of inaction. But I disagree. I believe we should live lives of action and that it is important to do things.

HP Mendoza's movie "Yes, We Are Open" was very pretentious and made me uncomfortable. I wanted to scream out, "That's not how people behave!" The work of an artist too drunk on himself to care how a viewer may perceive his art. However it did make me think a number of interesting thoughts about monogamy, the nature of the search for love, what is normal. I will write these down later this evening. For now I just wanted to say it is nice to engage my mind for a change. Living in LA, I don't think very often, and this may be a big reason why I often feel unfulfilled, like something is missing. Maybe a move to SF may not be such a bad idea.

But P.S., I have been dating and reconnecting with a few guys lately. In any case, the earliest I would move to SF is next year in April, so these guys would be a way to pass the time til then.

What happens to sadness, melancholy, when one lives in a place where the sun shines all the time and these feelings disappear from the spectrum. These emotions added depth when I lived in Chicago. Can you imagine? Short days, the brick houses of the city buried in feet of snow. Or maybe it is rainy, overcast, and cold all day. Then a song like that comes on the radio and you feel a sense of beautiful sadness. Experiences like this never happen in LA. There is no sadness here, no room for it. It's true what De, the guy I hooked up with last night, said. "LA is shallow. I hate it. But if you move to Chicago or New York you'll be depressed." Indeed when I lived in Chicago I went through periods of depression. One day I decided I had enough and didn't want to feel depressed any more and moved to LA, the place of eternal sunshine. Of course then I became one of those people who doesn't want to hear about other people's troubles, who has no room in his life for anybody's sadness.
Speaking of De, he texted me today. I wrote him off as a hot but inconsequential hookup I would never see again. That's the reason I didn't have sex with him, only fooled around. But he texted to my surprise. I am not thinking about it too much because my life is pretty busy now with work to finish up over the weekend, film festivals, planned trip to San Diego for Memorial Day, the electronic music festival in Vegas. I have also been busy stuffing my face in LA's best restaurants. Work is going well. There are things missing in my life like true love, more vacation time, higher salary, a week in Hawaii now and then, a luxury car. I feel their absence every day. But in general I am reasonably satisfied with my life now. I think I have lots of big, unachievable dreams, which makes me sad sometimes when I look at my life and know it could be better if I had those things. Well, I don't have a plan yet how to obtain them.

I kept the chocolate at my desk with Se's teeth marks still on one side. I was saving that side for last. I bit off the other side. I could tell my teeth made smaller marks than his front teeth. It made sense. He was bigger, taller. He bought his girlfriend flowers at lunch which he was keeping at his desk. When he went home I put that side of the chocolate with his teethmarks in my mouth and was sucking on it, imagining how it was in his mouth earlier. I held the flowers for him during lunch. When he took them back I felt his big, rough hand. I thought it would be smooth judging from his long, piano-player fingers, but his hands were very rough like sandpaper. Maybe it was from weight lifting. Ja a fellow Korean, though closeted (just barely) liked to talk about Se's having a baby with Se's lovey-dovey hot Christian girlfriend, though it was clear Ja was the one who wanted Se to impregnate him, or at least try to.

Some people live in a big city but have small town attitudes. Other people live in not so big cities but have big city attitudes. Today I am reminded there are still some people in the world who are beautiful on the inside, something I often forget in LA after not meeting anyone like that for years.

The world is such a big place. Why am I convinced I'll find my truth in New York. Indeed when I think about it that way New York might be the last place I would find it. There is France, Spain, other places I can disappear to for a while to find myself. That is what is missing. My soul is yearning to live. Certainly what is happening now is not life.

Do you remember that time when anything was possible? The world was scary and new and full of possibilities.

How ironic HKG brought his baby to the baby shower when I was the one who wanted to have his baby. In honor of yesterday's godawful shuttling Babies R Us to the baby shower, I decided to dress in all black today. I wish I could wear all black every day like Mo before she had triplets, gave up any remnants of aspirations to become an astrophysicist in favor of dressing in mommy colors and being a stay at home mom.
In a way, blackness and nothingness means freedom, clarity, honesty. I am convinced these are better callings in life than babies *shudder* pastel clothing, smiles and conversations.

I feel loneliest on Sunday nights, and when I travel. Once the trip gets going, after the first night in the new place, I am ok. Once the work week gets going I am ok as well. The hardest part is the night before it starts. I feel alone in the darkness. At times like these I wonder if even HC understood me. He never wanted to understand me. Yet I still believe things can still turn out for me. One day I will meet my true love, get married, and live happily ever after.

What an intense dream. I woke up in a sweat and couldn't sleep the rest of the night. It was about me and the hkg at work secretly holding our arms and legs against each others in church, making love underneath the moonlight for hours on the rainforest floor with birds chirping in the trees above. His hot, muscular, naked body and big dick are still burned into my mind. The single-minded determination with which I spent the weekend job hunting was just a sublimation of the desire I feel for connecting with him on an intimate level. The scene in the church... It was actually a buddhist temple with a round shape like a Baha'i temple. We sat next to each other in the pew. The sides of our arms touched. I felt his tall, muscular body rise and fall with his breaths. We must have had a blanket or baggy clothes because we started to explore each other's body underneath them. Don't move, he said, I want you so bad. His nostrils flared and I could tell he was serious. While everyone was transfixed on the sermon, hkg and I arranged our bodies in different positions next to the pew: him on top of me, me on top of him, on our sides. We weren't fucking in the church, mind you, just holding hands and pressing our bodies together. He whispered in my ear , "I want you."
At night we found ourselves in a rainforest. We arrived separately. He maintained his heterosexuality in public. When we arrived at the rainforest we took each other's hand instinctively without speaking. We walked for a bit until we found a small clearing where the moon was visible above through an opening in the tall trees. We laid down some banana leaves to make a mat. We took off our clothes. The moonlight gave a bluish glow to our naked skin. His body radiated heat. He looked me in the eyes the first time, we didn't look each other in the eyes in general. Our bodies collided and we fell to the banana leaf mat. We grinded under the moonlight. His big dick was standing straight up against his body pointing to his face. We didn't talk. It was purely instinctual. We read each other's mind through eyes and body language. It felt like we were achieving our purpose, doing what we were put on the earth to do. After the restricting church environment we were finally free to do what we wanted to do. The darkness of the forest, our steadfast desire for each other, we physically became one.
The birds chirped above and I jerked awake. It was still dark out, 5am. The birds were already chirping in the trees outside my window. How will I go to work today and pretend I don't have any attraction for hkg? He is my cubicle neighbor.

At the restaurant, at the gym, it's... boy safari

( the prey )

People are rude, selfish, conniving cheaters and liars. They only look out for themselves. I observed this from a day of running errands around town yesterday. However, people are also capable of providing love, tenderness, companionship. I observed this from HC's recent emails and texts, which have taken on a more caring quality than anything I received from him while we were living in the same city. Loneliness and incarceration will do that to you, so I am not taking his lovey-dovey messages to heart much and making my replies scarce. People are also the source for better, more well-paying jobs in whichever locations. After all, I cannot move to the city or cushy job I desire without going through people who live and work there. I cannot achieve the things I want without going through people and having "gatekeepers" at particular junctions make decisions that enable or block my progress. After spending the day emailing job prospects with another day of it scheduled for today, I had a dream last night of going through one of those all day interviews. It was at an insurance company in Ktown, a messy, outdated office, which I felt held the keys to my salvation. The past week at my current job, nay, the past 7 years have been a roller coaster ride of "I want it now" from multiple people at the same time, with the assumption I would work late every day. It is not a life I would wish upon anyone and certainly not one I deserved after passing the qualification exams and obtaining a qualification possessed by only 20,000 in the country. In the dream, I was interviewed by a skeptical manager with frizzy shoulder-length, light brown hair. It seemed I did not give the answers she was looking for. Another girl in a sharp business suit who was there interviewing for the same position seemed to give better answers. As I was leaving and shook the interviewing manager's hand, the manager said, "take care," in a tone like she was not planning to see me again, while the farewell she gave the other girl was full of smiles and welcoming. "Typical," I thought as I walked away. But I remembered stupid EV's comment. While explaining "Sales" to me over lunch one day he said, "sales is like this: you make two hundred calls, maybe a few of them are returned, leading to two in-person interviews, and one of those will lead to a sale." Lately that describes my life perfectly. In love and work I send out hundreds of messages with few replies and after the interview I get rejected as shown in the dream. But, I think I have inertia on my side. Once you start, it's easier to keep going, than to start from standing still. Also at least it makes me feel better that I am living actively instead of life being something that just happens to me. I hope I can keep this up for a while and not fall back into dejection. There is always a risk of that, because while others seem to have wingmen and spouses to push them and catch them when they fall, I am operating a bit with no emotional safety net, a situation I think is common in LA.

After a cancelled flight, unplanned detour to Raleigh-Durham, and a hunt for a taxi at swarming rainy Sunday night LAX, I am finally home in my nice soft bed. Tonight is one of those nights I can truly say I am miles away from yesterday. Memories of the FAC are still swirling in my mind. The people I met. The high stakes activities I participated in. Exploring Atlanta and the rest of the South. Today I woke up in Savannah, ate breakfast, drove 300 miles, flew 300 miles, stopped, then flew 3000 miles more. Bonded with the cute filipino? taxicab stand attendant over how the rare LA rain makes everyone crazy. Still can't believe this past week. Always fascinating to meet people from all over the world who do the same thing I do.

Auspicious thresholds. Dreams and thoughts of the possibility of love. I am thankful to my friends who remind me to respect myself, be in control of my life, and that I don't have to do anything I don't want to do.
The Fellowship Admissions Course is moving along. A bit sad it's my last night at the Four Seasons. I think if there is heaven it must be like this.

Great! I had a nice date with the engineer. Sent him a message afterward. Hope he responds.

( NSFW but very hot )