Shades of Gray

Time:

11:23 pm.

Oh my god! What a freak! Why is the world full of freaks?

I had a couple encounters that's making me rethink my recent love affair with LA. First, the guy who only wants to have sex with me as long as there is nobody better around. As soon as somebody better comes around, he shoots me a line about how he has plans, but then sends me a text message intended for the guy he is going to meet. Oops! Second is the guy that asks me to "do my Russian accent" which pisses me off. Then he makes it obvious he is not listening to what I am saying.

Ma: Sorry my dinner ran late.
Me: Yeah, I'm going to bed soon.
Ma: So you don't want me to come over?
Me: It's 11:00pm. I usually go to bed at 10:00pm.
Ma: You go to bed at 10?!
Me: Yeah, or I try to anyway. Usually I drink tea, then get an IM from one of my friends, then go on facebook.
Ma: So what you're saying is, if you were on IM and facebook you wouldn't fall asleep, but if I came over there, you would be bored and fall asleep.
Me: No, that's not what I meant, but it is 11:00pm now. By the time you come over, it'll be 11:30. I'll start falling asleep around midnight. I don't think that's unreasonable. What time do you go to bed?
Ma: Midnight during the week. 1:30am or 2:00am on the weekends, or whenever I feel tired.
Me: Oh. I guess I'm still on the weekday schedule.
Ma: So what you mean is you don't want to hang out with me.
Me: Jesus! THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M SAYING!!! We had plans to meet at 10:00pm. That was already late. Now it's 11:00pm. I could tell you let's hang out, but I know my personality and I'm just gonna get cranky and fall asleep.

Then he keeps saying, "ok, fine, we can hang out later," in a tone that says, "I don't want to talk to you ever again." What the fuck is wrong with these people?! How can somebody 35yo be so immature and clueless. There are many people like this in LA, I think. The trick is to wade through them.

Times like these make me feel people never understand each other. Everyone wants something. Every now and then, by coincidence, two people who want compatible things meet. It doesn't last for long.

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Time:

11:34 pm.

Every time I go to San Francisco, I have a totally different experience. Some times I feel I have to move there immediately. Other times I don't want to move there at all. And other times I want to move there eventually, but not right away. St put it well when he said I need to visit a couple more times before I decide to move there, and that I need to consider the likelihood I'll meet the person that's right for me in LA vs. SF.

Trip 1
Junior year of college. Staying with Ma for 2 weeks. Hanging out with Ju/ random friends. Going around the Bay Area and doing touristy things.

Trip 2
Senior year of college. Staying with Ma for 1 week. Hanging out with Ma's roommates. Going around to all law schools around the Bay Area.

Trip 3
Second year of living in LA. Nobody lives in SF. Just went by myself for the weekend. Felt convinced I don't want to move there.

Trip 4
Ma is back in SF. At first I felt convinced I want to move there, but now that I am back in LA (and on the drive back) I am remembering a lot of things I appreciate about LA and things about SF I don't like (rude people, people who think they're the shit when they're not).

The thing is, I don't think a couple more weekend trips will convince me either way whether San Francisco is the right permanent home for me. In one sense, moving is a trivial decision - get a job, get a van. In the other sense, it is not a trivial decision because your life changes a lot - the demographic of the place. In San Francisco, it seems like people's personalities are more homogenized. In LA, people keep to themseleves more and end up with pretty different personalities due to the insulating factor. In SF, things are gringo-friendly. In LA they're not. While some people would call this "LA inflexibility," it can also be considered, "unmodified authenticity." E.g. "can I have my burrito with whole wheat tortilla?" "No. You will have it the way it's prepared. No substitutions." Which is really the point: SF is all about tailoring the world to the individual's wishes (ego), while LA is about the individual selecting unmodified authentic experiences (all or nothing).

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Time:

8:05 pm.

I have been feeling anxious ever since Ri told me the sex we had was unprotected and now two weeks later I am experiencing "flu-like symptoms." He said I shouldn't worry because he got tested recently and doesn't have sex very much. However ever since I started getting a sore throat and fever, I assume the worst, get paralyzed by fear, and hide in my apartment. There could be other explanations - on Monday I drank water from my water bottle that I drank from before and had been sitting at my desk over the weekend. It could be that I gave He a blowjob last weekend and he was sweaty and hadn't taken a shower beforehand. In times like this, when I have unexplained symptoms a week or two after I have sex, I think,"I'm never having sex again." Or, "if I could go back in time and do things over again." Then some time goes by. I study for an exam. Things get busy and stressful at work. Eventually I start feeling like I need to have sex and I am not living life to the fullest. Then the cycle starts over again. Work stress causes loneliness, which causes desire for sex/closeness, which causes random sex, which sometimes is followed by unexplained symptoms of illness, which causes anxiety and abstinence for about 6 months, in which time I am missing out on meeting guys that could be my boyfriend. After 6 months to a year, I forget how paranoid I was 6 months ago, get stressed out at work, and that causes a desire for sex/closeness.

Ma replied about my invitation to come with me to SF. First "no" then "yes" and then "I'm busy tonight, let's talk about it later." Yesterday my supervisor told me I've been promoted from level 5 to level 6. On July 1, the company is supposed to announce if it will continue the pay freeze it started March 1 for the remainder of the year. That means no pay raise, only increased responsibilities. That's why I am so "whatever" about this promotion. I am stressed out enough as it is, and I already decided I'm going to quit and go to another company once I have 5 years and am vested in the retirement benefit. The 5 year mark will be next February, so promotion or not, doesn't really matter. Yesterday was the first day I had the full blown flu symptoms. I couldn't concentrate all day and at the end of the day when my coworkers were on their way to happy hour, I joined them and got drunk off two glasses of wine. They had also had "one of those days" and we all needed a drink. It was a pleasant evening of complaining about the company and threatening to leave. I was glad to have something to get my mind off the flu symptoms and Ri breakup.

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Time:

12:02 am.

A little good in every bad. A little bad in every good. Well, the fact that Ri broke up with me is definitely a bad thing, as is the unprotected sex revelation. The good thing is now I can plan July 4th weekend and not worry about anyone else's plans. It also means I can focus on studying and not feel like I am ignoring him, and I can watch independent movies again and not have to go to mainstream theaters and watch bad movies. The little bad in that good is that I have to start making an effort to find a man again. I agree with what he said, that eventually our 13 year age difference would catch up to us. It was good to deal with it sooner than later. It was nice how he was supportive about my health and all protective about how I need to put myself first and not let my work run my life. I will miss that.

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Time:

6:51 pm.

I've been calling him every day on my walk home from the station. Sometimes he picks up, other times I left messages, a few times I just hung up without leaving a message. He's been busy. Tonight's call also started out with him being busy and on the way to volleyball. Then he had to go abruptly and said he would call back. He called back after a minute with a totally different tone.

He "Do you want to go to Ord Noodle?"
I "Uhh... yeah! But I don't want you to miss volleyball or be late."
He "It's ok. I'll pick you up in 20 minutes."
I "Ok!"

During noodles:
I "Are you doing anything for July 4th? I want to go out of town."
He "My friend in San Francisco wants me to visit, but I don't want to go by myself."
I "..."

Conversation punctuated by awkward silence. Mixed signals. I don't understand what words I should use. Living in Japan, and probably even before that, made me hypersensitive to tone and how to phrase things. I thought should I say, "fuck me now?" or "do you want to come over?" or "you could come over" or "what are you doing tonight?" Then things start looking up again.

I "What time is volleyball over?"
He "10"
I "So you could come over?"
He "I will be hot and sweaty."
I "And? Is that a bad thing?"
He "Yeah."
I "I have a shower."
He "I don't have clean clothes. Shirts and underwear."
I "I have that stuff. We are probably the same size."
He "I don't have my contacts and stuff to spend the night."
I "Ok. I am convinced."
He (smile)
I "Are you playing volleyball tomorrow?"
He "No"
I "We could hang out tomorrow."
He "Yeah. What should we do?"
I "Hiking. Something cool since it will be hot."
He "You will get dehydrated. Let's just go to a movie. $10 and free AC."
I "Ok!"

On the drive back to my apartment...

He "Let's go to Monterey Park, get a massage, and eat some food."
I "Ok. That sounds good."

It is so weird how I start feeling the relationship is over and move on, and then things turn around. Then the cycle starts again. The dating world is so weird.

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Subject:	manhunt
Time:	9:56 pm.

Finding a boyfriend is hard work.

Three weeks ago I was experiencing some health issues and thought it was serious. Subconsciously, the boyfriend search was kicked into high gear, as I was looking for support and stability in an uncertain and scary time. I met Ri online Thursday, June 4. We talked on the phone the following day, but he was busy and couldn't hang out. On Saturday we met at noon and spent the day together. On Sunday we spent the whole day together as well. We talked every day. Every other day he drove down from Valley Village to Hollywood to spend the evening with me.

On Saturday, June 13, in the morning I went to the doctor for diagnostic test. He picked me up with his friend and we drove to Rosemead for dim sum. The previous night he called twice to see how I was feeling. On Sunday I went to the pride parade with Ma, a friend I hadn't seen in a long time.

I haven't seen Ri since Saturday. We haven't talked much. He left a voicemail last night at 10:15pm after I had gone to sleep. The tone was impersonal. On Monday I talked to an old friend St who said, "I hate to say it, but there is a big age difference between you and Ri, and you should keep looking." At the time, I felt uplifted with the thought that there is someone out there in my age bracket who understands me and wants to be with me. Now it is Wednesday and I feel frustrated that building a relationship is so much work. St and I discussed on Monday how when you meet someone that's right for you, you're just supposed to click. It's not supposed to be all this effort and lack of common interests and schedules. So yeah, I just feel frustrated because I really do want to have a relationship, but it doesn't seem to work.

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Subject:	Love is a battlefield
Time:	3:28 am.

I just got back from another failed date. It is amazing how much effort goes into finding guys. Setting up the time. Choosing words carefully as not to piss him off in the lead up. Then the date happens and inevitably you have pissed each other off and never want to see each other again. This time the issue was the guy disagreed with every single thing I said. At one point I started testing it, saying something opposite to what I said before, and he would still disagree with it!

He: It is hypocritical of you to pretend you're multicultural and leave the US every year to get external perspectives, but then you block out perspectives of people inside the US just because they happen to be conservative.
I: I understand people disagree with each other and everyone is entitled to their opinion, but why would I choose to live in an environment where everybody disagreed with me?
He: I have plenty of friends who voted conservative and I don't block their numbers.
I: That's good.
He: I don't understand why you hate St. Louis so much. Were you traumatized or something?
I: Yes.
He: Well, that's the end of that conversation.

I: I don't think there is anything wrong with putting an end to stimuli you hate. Anger is a natural human emotion. Why wouldn't I act on it? I think it's a good thing to listen to oneself. For example, when I lived in Chicago I saw a group of teenagers poking an effiminate gay guy with an umbrella on the train, so I went over there and stood between them.
He: That's good. There's nothing wrong with that. However, you took that responsibility on yourself. If something would happen, like those kids attacked you or assaulted you, it would have been your own fault.
I: What?! You're saying they should be allowed to do that?
He: The guy should have walked away. He didn't have to keep standing there getting poked at.
I: I disagree with that. I don't think it is his responsibility to walk away. I think the teenagers are the ones who need to change their behavior. They need to be taught a lesson, otherwise they'll just keep doing things like that.
He: Well, the guy should have stood up for himself! And given that he didn't, he should have walked away. Are you saying he should have continued to stand there, unable to defend himself, and endure that torture?
I: No, that is not what I'm saying at all. I'm talking about that situation and how it was wrong for the teenagers to poke the guy. They are the problem, not the guy being poked.
He: There were other people on the train, right? It wasn't just that group?
I: Yeah, the train was pretty full.
He: So it's not like they beat him up. They were just poking him a little.
I: But it was humiliating! And it's assault.
He: He should've walked away. That would have showed the kids it was unpleasant and they would learn their lesson.

And the ironic thing is, it was he who blocked me after the date! After he said all that stuff about how he was the open minded one while I was the one who blocked people I disagreed with and lived in a bubble.

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Time:

10:48 pm.

At work it feels like I am having the same conversations with the same coworkers. Ja comes by to tease me and make ridiculous comments like how we should get into a food fight. He is so gay and closeted, except he is the only one who thinks he is in the closet. So gay. He makes such an effort to fit in with the straight kids, speak their language, play sports, watch basketball. But when it comes down to it, man-on-man action.

I am not interested in him ever since he said he wants me to fail my exam and how it's his way of just being honest. That's nice, but it doesn't make me want to sleep with him. At first I was whatever, taking time to get to know him. Now I just think he's weird. I don't recall any of his comments adding any value. They're weird for no good reason.

I want to move some place more interesting. On my jogs the past few nights I ran past brick buildings with cafes and people sitting outside and it reminded me that there are cities out there in the world where interesting things happen and where people live their lives. I have been feeling for a while that I am ready to move on to some place that's a real city, not like LA which is one big suburb. LA has many good points and I appreciate them. I would like to think when I do move on to somewhere else I would defend LA against people's stereotypical attacks on it, reminding them that every place has a set of unique experiences that you can't have anywhere else, and they would actually like it like hanging out at the beach, driving fast on the freeway, feeling a sense of freedom and access, being able to drive to Vegas/San Diego/San Francisco/Phoenix/the Southwest.

Saturday night I went to The Eagle, a leather bar. I read that it's supposed to be laid back and the opposite of West Hollywood. It was nice. They played hardcore porn on the tvs. I don't know why I was afraid of leather bars. Did I really think they were scarier than certain other experiences I had in the world? That's not what America is about. America is not the scariest, brightest, most interesting, or any other superlative. I will need to visit Montreal, I think, for comparison.

I didn't meet anybody at The Eagle, but I did cruise some guys on my walk back to my apartment. One short Mexican guy and I made eye contact then circled back and had a conversation on the bridge. He drove in from Lancaster.
"Where do you live?"
"About 30 minutes away. I walked cause I didn't want to drink and drive."
"Do you want a ride?"
"Umm... No, I'll walk."
"Come here and feel this." He put my hand on his dick through his pants. It was big and hard.
"I gotta go. Have a good night."
"Do you want a ride?"

I didn't want a ride, or maybe I did but not from him. I wanted a ride from my hot neighbor. Tonight as I was coming back from my jog he was taking out the trash. There was a big box of Cheerios and Samuel Adams beer. He was wearing a dark blue Nautica Jeans sweatshirt. Very straight looking and hot. He drives a charcoal gray Infiniti G coupe.

It feels like all of a sudden everybody disappeared from LJ. They must have gone to Facebook. As a pretty active Facebook user, I still think I'll stick with LJ. Facebook feels so confining because all of my coworkers are on there now. It started out as a place to be myself and express my personality but now it has become another exhausting public exhibition, a public continuation of the workspace where I have to censor my every thought. Why would I spend my free time on that?! It's one thing with college friends where it is a place to be fun and social. It is a totally opposite thing when it's your coworkers on there. You can't be yourself anymore and there's no point of having it. I need a separation of work and personal life.

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