Shades of Gray

Subject:	shadenfreude - the evil ego
Time:	9:32 pm.

Sometimes in our life we encounter people who see our greatness and, for whatever reason, make it their goal in life to stand in our way and prevent us from reaching our full potential. I can think of at least three specific examples this happened to me so far, where people did everything in their power to drag me down and keep me from my goal. At its heart, I think the motivation was jealousy, but who really knows. In the same way there is limitless potential for greatness within people, there is also limitless potential for evil.

The first example is my parents, and most of the extended family. Throughout my life, they have held me down every chance they got. They tried to keep me from going to the best university I could get into, tried to push me into more modest career fields, tried to keep me from going abroad, threatened to send me to a psychiatrist every time I tried to assert my individuality. In short, they've done their best to keep me in a mental prison as long as they could. During brief moments of my hapiness is when they have been the most sad. During my moments of sadness and depression is when they have been the most happy. This is still pretty much the case now. When things are not going well for me at work, when I am sad about being single, they rejoice in my sorrows. When I fail an exam and feel depressed, their mood noticeably perks up and they quickly dismiss my feelings and experience like it doesn't matter.

The second example is a professor I had in college for African American history classes. At some point, he decided to "teach me a lesson" that "we don't always get what we want." The whole idea was so cliche, I didn't think he could possibly be serious. But he really did it. Seeing how well I was doing in his classes, he decided to give me a C in the course to see how I would react. It was a critical time for my grades. I was applying to law school, looking for jobs, etc. But now I had this C on my transcript. As he predicted, I did everything in my power to improve the grade, but he just sat back and laughed at my futile attempt. I gave up after a few months. By this point I graduated from college and was ready to put the whole thing behind me. One day, walking around the area, I ran into him on the street. He asked how I was doing. When he heard I was upset about the underserved C, he jumped on the chance to "teach me the lesson" again. "See," he said, "you kids think you always get what you want. You weasel, whine, and force your way into getting what you want. I knew you would find a job and make your way to Japan no matter what happened in my class, and there you go, it happened." I was so mad at him. He had taken it upon himself to stand in my way, just because he saw I had the chance to be successful, and it brought him pleasure to hold me back. Sadly, I think this is a typical human action - jealousy, holding back people who have the chance to be more successful than you.

The third example is the most recent. The latest Office Leader to make his way through our company's local office is also the supervisor of the last two exams I have to take before I am done with my designation. We didn't become friends because I saw right through him on the first day and saw what a phony person he was - all talk and no substance. Ever since then, he's taken it upon himself to make sure I never pass my last exams in a sequence I've been working on since 2004. Yes, the exams are graded anonymously with student numbers, but as the supervisor of these exams, he has a lot of power when it comes to setting the pass mark. One subtle phrase or suggestion during the secret grading committee conference calls changes a "pass" to a "fail" and the other way around. That is just how it happened with the most recent test. I failed with a score of 5, meaning I was right on the line of passing or failing, and it could easily be argued one way or the other. These are essay tests, not multiple choice, so the grading is quite subjective. So, unfortunately it seems my greatness is being stifled yet again by someone who has recognized my potential and had decided to take it upon himself to keep me from achieving it.

I am so sick of people trying to "teach me lessons." You would think this sort of thing fades away after high school, but it is still there in college. You think it will go away in the working world, but there it is again. I guess the bullshit never really goes away as long as there are unsatisfied, insecure, petty, competitive people around, who wield power over some tiny little piece of turf in the world, and they will have no problem treating you like an animal, because that is the only way they get to feel human. It could be because they themselves get stepped on and mistreated all day long, so they decide to pass it on to those below them to make themselves feel more in charge.

Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	Brazil wrap up - "This is Brazil. You can´t expect me to drop everything and work on your problem."
Time:	9:51 pm.

Last night in Brazil. Thank god. Can´t wait to get out of here to some place where people treat each other like human beings and don´t act like animals. Went for one last walk along Copacabana Beach. Tomorrow I fly from Rio to Sao Paulo at 8:20am, then to Mexico City and finally LA. Originally, my flight from Rio to SP was in the evening, but I changed moved it to earlier, because I know I would miss my flight if I only give myself 2 hours to transfer. If there is one thing I learned from my two weeks in this country, is don´t depend on anything - you will be let down.

The good:
Copacabana is beautiful.
Fireworks in Copacabana were beautiful, and I understand why Mariah Carey would want to vacation here.
Cute muslim guy with big ears working at the juice/sandwich shop who gave me a big smile.
Anderson, the receptionist at my hotel in Sao Paulo, was cute and nice and we had nice conversations with him and the other hotel workers the 4 nights I spent there.
Most places seem gay friendly. Even in Salvador in the poor region of the north, I saw shop fronts with rainbow flags and gay organizations. Gay magazines available at regular news stands.
There are lots of hot men and it´s all about having fun and lots of spirit.
There is music playing many places and it puts you in a good mood.

The bad:
I don´t like the people´s personalities - it´s all about having fun, but at the expense of personal freedom. Everything is treated like public property, including your body. People push, shove, try to steal things from you, sneeze in your face. Don´t get mad because your body is not your property.
When you book a flight and get to the airport, the flight does not show up on the monitor. Oh, you didn´t know it was cancelled? You should have checked. Please wait in this line. Hey, don´t blame me if your own flight was cancelled. I am just here working. It takes hours to get anything done - you wait for an hour in line that you shouldn´t even have needed to wait in. Then you get to the counter and it takes them an hour to fix the problem and they act like they´re doing you a favor even though it was their mistake in the first place. Everyone is amazingly selfish, treats own customers as a nuisance to get over with. Also saw this when getting the visa at the consulate in LA. Even when you think your flight is there on the screen and you go the gate, you find out at the gate your flight got moved to another gate and now it´s the last call. Better run if you want to make your flight. It is infuriating how you can never feel comfortable and always have to be on-edge because things are not dependable.
Many people try to cheat you every step of the way: at restaurants putting stuff on your bill you didn´t order, at hotels charging you for extra nights you did not stay there and drinks out of the minibar you did not drink. Charging $5 for bottled water. Water that smells like sewage dripping from the ceiling in the bathroom even though you are paying $230 per night for this hotel. If you call reception and tell them they wave it off like, "oh yeah, we´ll get to it eventually. This is Brazil. You can´t expect me to drop everything and work on your problem."
People steal stuff from you, in broad daylight in a public area walk up to you on the street and stick their hand in your pocket to try and take your wallet, passport, anything they can steal from you.
People lie - say they are an official taxi but actually they are going to kidnap you.
People don´t respect themselves or others. Sneeze right on you without covering their mouth, stop in the middle of a narrow hallway when others try to get through. Very disrespectful.
If you get robbed or something bad happens to you, people treat you like it´s your own fault. Why would you walk down the street with your money in your pocket and a camera in your bag? You were asking to get robbed. Everyone here is selfish and only looking out for their own interest, and doesn´t mind lying, cheating, stealing, taking advantage of others to accomplish that.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:

7:47 pm.

A rainy day in Rio today. I am pretty much ready for this trip to be over. At the internet cafe next to me is a little girl speaking loudly in fluent Russian over Skype. She must be Russian, as opposed to Russian-American or something, because the expressions she uses are fairly adult and sophisticated, which I don´t think she would have learned living outside the former Soviet Union. On the city tour today, there was an Estonian family, also with a young child about 9 years old. They spoke Estonian the whole time, which sounds like Finnish but not as pretty. It´s kind of crazy for me to imagine the childhood these children have - already in Rio at the age of 5 or 9. Only downhill from here, I say. When I was their age, I barely had gone to Ukraine or Lithuania. Certainly not out of the country. And here they are, effortlessly in Rio, as if it was the most natural thing.

This morning, we went to Corcovado where Christ the Redemptor statue was, overlooking the city. After that, we went to the Sambadrome, and Sugar Loaf mountain. It was raining the whole time, but it was kind of cool to be physically in all these places that I had only seen in pictures. I guess they really do exist. Maybe I am old and jaded, but seeing these places for myself hasn´t affected me the way I thought they would. I though I would feel uplifted, inspired, something magical. But it just feels like another concrete statue, another mountain, another beach. The gay club is another dark, dirty hallway. Doesn´t feel very magical. I think this trip will make me reexamine my traveling. When I went to Amsterdam during Spring Break sophomore year in college, I think I did it to feel alive. When I was in London at EasyEvertyhing on another college trip, I remember going online and meeting guys on gay.com and then us going to some clubs together, and I later went to G-A-Y by myself. Walking through the night streets of London, meeting guys. Copenhagen too, at the Tivoli Gardens and that gay sauna. But here in Rio... everything feels very crude. It doesn´t feel like "nightlife" as much as "everybody being selfish and looking out for his own interest, no class." It makes sense that Brazil and Texas are so close - lots of Brazilians in Texas, lots of information exchange.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	River of January
Time:	10:45 pm.

I just went on an evening walk along Copacabana Beach in Rio. This must be one of the most beautiful places in the world. It reminds me of Lake Shore Drive in Chicago. Actually LSD has taller buildings - 40 stories, whereas Copacabana buildings have about 20-30 stories. But what Rio has that Chicago doesn´t is a tropical beach, mountains circling around behind the buildings, and lots of people walking around and lots of night life along the beach.

I am being very vigilant, and looking out for people who might attack and rob me, and I have seen many tonight even though the taxi driver said Copacabana is very safe. Even when I was at the airport, I almost got in a fake cab before airport security warned me I could have been kidnapped. So, so far Rio is quite beautiful and lots of gays, but also just as dangerous as Sao Paulo and Salvador.

It is clear though Rio is where the money is at. This place looks way more rich than either Sao Paulo and definitely more than Salvador. Salvador seems like one of the poorer places in Brazil whereas Rio must be the richest. You can even tell by people´s attitudes. They seem more worldly and don´t stare at you for example the way they did in the other cities. Also there is less dick-groping. That is one thing I noticed in Sao Paulo and Salvador. Men walking down the street or at the airport put their hand on their dick and start groping themselves, like it is perfectly normal. People look at them and they look back and keep doing it for a minute or two. And it´s never the attractive ones. Yes, it´s true Brazilian men seem to have big penises, but somehow that doesn´t seem to do it for me if the penis is attached to someone who is so vulgar.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:

2:38 pm.

I went to the Samy's Camera, which made me hate LA. The building was old and packed with people. It made my dizziness worse and just made me feel uncomfortable. It felt like it was full of vampires: consumers with crazed looks in their eyes grabbing the latest cameras and accessories for 1,000s of dollars each. I got soaked by the rain while running back to my car (the parking lot was valet only, typical LA).

After a 15 minute breather I started driving back to my apartment. I stopped at Home Depot where I was accused of stealing by the door guard. "You know you're supposed to show me your receipt!" she said. "No I don't. How would I know that?" I responded and gave her my receipt for the 87-cent light bulbs. She said something else accusatory and then turned her back to me as if she "caught another would-be shoplifter."
"That is so rude!" I yelled as she walked away.
"Yeah, whateva," she mumbled.
In the elevator a couple of Mexican guys asked me what happened. I told them about the rudeness.
"Oh yeah. They check all receipts now because of stealing," one said and smiled at me.
"Well I didn't know that and she was all accusing me for no reason."
"Don't worry about it," he said. "It's crazy."
Somehow it didn't make me feel better.

Now it is 2:30pm. It is completely gray and rainy. Big, gray clouds hang in the hills. I love LA again. I think I'll drive to Pasadena and check out another Samy's Camera. Hopefully this one will be less crowded.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	Weekend recap
Time:	10:28 pm.

I had a pretty productive weekend, I'd say. Studied 4 hours on Saturday at Volcano Tea. Then went shopping for a new cell phone. My flip phone cracked and started coming apart just as I was telling St about my trip to Taiwan. It was bound to happen some time. I already had that phone 3 years. I went to a couple AT&T shops and didn't find what I was looking for: a very small phone with Bluetooth capability. The phone I already had was very small, so I've been pretty spoiled. I guess technology has not advanced in that past 3 years. I looked at the iPhone again. Then I went to my local Starbucks (the only coffee shop open past 10pm, what a disgrace, LA!) til 10pm or so. There were a couple cute guys there. Then I decided to run over to the movie theater and watch "Precious" at 10:10. I just made it.

Today I woke up at 10:00am. An improvement from yesterday when I woke up at 10:30am. I was determined to get the most out of the day, so I got ready quickly and went to Glendale. I noticed ever since I got back from Taiwan 11/30 LA is like a ghost town. Everybody must be taking a long vacation for the month of December. There's been no one on the train. A lot less traffic than usual, even on the downtown stretch of the 110. It's pretty crazy to be driving 50 mph in stretches where usually it's 15-20 mph. That's why I decided I had to go to Porto's Bakery. Last time I went a few months ago it was so huge, packed and crazy, I walked right back out. As expected, today the line was quite short. Only 5 people. The dozens of tables were full, but I still found a table. It was still a bit inconvenient to go pick up my order in a different area than where I ordered. More standing around and waiting. Finally I got my cuban sandwich and sat and ate it and a muffin in peace. It was pretty good, but I don't know if I will go back there, because the sandwich was just a lot of meat and cheese. It was delicious, but I felt very unhealthy eating it, like I might as well eat at McDonald's. The other reason for going to Glendale was there was an AT&T shop nearby. I went there to look at more phones. They were friendlier than the places I went yesterday on the Westside, but still didn't have what I wanted. I got back in my car and drove back to the city to K-town, the other nearest AT&T store. A cute Korean guy with a bear body type was in charge of me. His name was Andrew. I followed him around the store. He looked up my account, told me about some phones and Bluetooth headsets. I ended up getting a black Nokia flip phone. They may have had it at the prior three stores I went, but I don't remember. I was just following Andrew around. He smelled good.

...upon the phone purchase
"I better get a Bluetooth headset."
"Our starter models are over here. They're all $39.99. We have the high end models in the back. Did you want to take a look at those?"
"What's the difference between these and the high end models?"
"They have multiple microphones, noise cancellation. They cancel out the ambient noise."
"Oh, ok."
"I can go get them and show you."
"Ok. I'll look at these for now."
"Ok."
...
"Actually the high end models are over here," he led me to the other side of the shop. "This is the highest end one we have."
"Hmm. I can't really tell the difference by looking... I'll just get one of the basic ones." We went back over to the four basic headsets on the other side of the shop.
"Which one would you like?"
"Mmm, I don't know. Do you know which one is better?"
"The Samsung one is the best, I think. It has a soft tip; it's confortable... The Motorola one is pretty good too."
"Umm, I'll get the Samsung."
"Ok. I'll ring you up over here."
We walked to the register. He continued unwrapping the phone, peeling back the protective film, putting in the SIM card and battery. Getting his fingerprints and smudges all of the phone. This made me excited.
"Oh, um, I just remembered all my phone numbers are on the phone as opposed to on the SIM card. Can I have it back for a minute so I can save it to the SIM card?"
"I can do it for you."
I gave him back the phone.
"Let me go in the back and move it over."
"Ok."
I waited for a couple minutes. The crowd was mostly latino at this K-town cell phone shop, a different crowd compared to the street outside where Korean families were walking with their kids from church back to their cars or seafood restaurants in this area. Inside the AT&T store, people milling around, eager to get their communication on with the latest cell phones, cell phone plans, and accessories. Andrew returned with an expression on his face not betraying any emotion. For a second I wondered if he was successful.
"Ok. I transferred it over."
"Oh thanks," I picked up the phone and flipped it open then closed a bit nervously.
"Well, you're all set. Do you have any questions for me?"
"... umm, can I give you my number so we can go on a date?"
"..," he looked a me and stepped side to side from one foot to the other. He looked around. "Ok."
"It's kind of funny. You already have my number on your screen, but let me give it to you." I tore off a piece of the service agreement he had given me and wrote my number on it and gave it to him. "Here you go."
"Alright, thanks."
"I better let you get back to work."
"Heh, yeah. Well, enjoy your new phone."
"Ok I will. Give me a call some time."
"Ok." *grin*
I waved bye and walked out of the store. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him looking at me then turn back to his computer. In the evening I received at e-mail from AT&T. "Dear ... ... I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for your recent purchase here at the WILTERN store. ... If you have any questions about your phone or service, please feel free to contact me, Andrew ... at (213) ...-..... " (details left out for privacy).

Well, at least that's how our encounter ended in my fantasy. Actually it happened like this.

"Well, you're all set. Do you have any questions for me?"
"... umm, no..."
"Ok."
"Alright, thanks. Bye."
"Bye. Enjoy your new phone."
"Ok."
I waved bye and walked out of the store. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him looking at me then turn back to his computer. In the evening I received at e-mail from AT&T. "Dear ... ... I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for your recent purchase here at the WILTERN store. ... If you have any questions about your phone or service, please feel free to contact me, Andrew ... at (213) ...-..... " (details left out for privacy).

After the phone shop, I went to home to charge the new purchases, cleaned, and studied a couple hours. Then went to a new friendly but crowded laundromat where the kindly Mexican owner walked around and exchanged bills for quarters by hand. After that, I droppedoff the laundry at my apartment and went to the gym. I cruised some guys there, but at the end I saw myself in the mirror and I looked kind of unattractive, with stubble, sweaty hair, dry skin. I went back to my apartment. It is pretty clean. I'll try to go to sleep early and have nice dreams in my newly washed sheets and pillow cases about knights in shining armor.

Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	Kaohsiung
Time:	8:52 pm.
Mood:	omm.
Music:	slot machines ringing next door.

Love love love Kaohsiung! Compared to Kaohsiung, Tainan is a small town (though it didn't feel that way when I left there this morning). The most "inappropriate" thing I saw in Tainan was a vending machine of "french tickler" condoms outside a store called "In Love." Meanshile in Kaohsiung there's smoking, gambling. A less wholesome (more honest?) place. A place not concerned with its image like Taipei and Tainan, both of which have reputations to uphold - Taipei as the storage chest of Chinese civilization, and Tainan as the country's historical capital. Meanwhile Kaohsiung is not interested in showing off how Taiwanese it is, and is getting on with the business of being a world city.

As soon as I arrived, I headed for the Love River riverwalk. Apparently the river got cleaned up in the last few years, and they did a really good job. It doesn't look like it was polluted before. It reminds of Bangkok, or Chicago. Especially at night, the light from the skyscrapers and river walk reflecting off the river.

My original plan was to stay in Tainan 3 days and take the bullet train back to Taipei for Saturday night. I left Tainan a day early to spend it in Kaohsiung, and now that I am here and feeling the energy of the city flowing through my body, I may just spend another day here in Kaohsiung. Thanks to the awesome bullet train, I'll have plenty of time to get back to Taoyuan to make my 4:30pm flight on Sunday.

Friday night. Off to the gay bars.

Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.

LiveJournal for al1835.

View:	User Info.
View:	Friends.
View:	Calendar.
View:	Memories.
You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.