Shades of Gray

al1835 @ 2009-12-12T14:38:00

2009-12-12T22:38:59Z

I went to the Samy's Camera, which made me hate LA. The building was old and packed with people. It made my dizziness worse and just made me feel uncomfortable. It felt like it was full of vampires: consumers with crazed looks in their eyes grabbing the latest cameras and accessories for 1,000s of dollars each. I got soaked by the rain while running back to my car (the parking lot was valet only, typical LA).

After a 15 minute breather I started driving back to my apartment. I stopped at Home Depot where I was accused of stealing by the door guard. "You know you're supposed to show me your receipt!" she said. "No I don't. How would I know that?" I responded and gave her my receipt for the 87-cent light bulbs. She said something else accusatory and then turned her back to me as if she "caught another would-be shoplifter."
"That is so rude!" I yelled as she walked away.
"Yeah, whateva," she mumbled.
In the elevator a couple of Mexican guys asked me what happened. I told them about the rudeness.
"Oh yeah. They check all receipts now because of stealing," one said and smiled at me.
"Well I didn't know that and she was all accusing me for no reason."
"Don't worry about it," he said. "It's crazy."
Somehow it didn't make me feel better.

Now it is 2:30pm. It is completely gray and rainy. Big, gray clouds hang in the hills. I love LA again. I think I'll drive to Pasadena and check out another Samy's Camera. Hopefully this one will be less crowded.

al1835 @ 2009-12-11T21:36:00

2009-12-12T05:36:43Z

Needs:
Suitcase
Phone
Camera
Hotel in Rio

Wants:
Rimowa luggage
iPhone
dSLR
Nice hotel in Rio

Sometimes I get "stuck" when I want something, but seems like I can't have it. I drive around the city or spend hours on the internet trying to find a way to get it. In the end, I usually don't get it, as was the case with the digital camera. Canon T1i didn't have good photo colors, Nikon D90 had hot pixels, others either had low resolution (10MP), too expensive, or other issues. At times like this, it starts to feel like I am not looking for a camera or a phone but instead some kind of internal self satisfaction, which eludes me. When I stop and think about it and wonder what posession could I have that would make me happy once and for all or what experience, I can't really think of one. Times like these I feel I will be happier if I stop wanting things and appreciate what I have.

Weekend recap

2009-12-07T06:28:24Z

I had a pretty productive weekend, I'd say. Studied 4 hours on Saturday at Volcano Tea. Then went shopping for a new cell phone. My flip phone cracked and started coming apart just as I was telling St about my trip to Taiwan. It was bound to happen some time. I already had that phone 3 years. I went to a couple AT&T shops and didn't find what I was looking for: a very small phone with Bluetooth capability. The phone I already had was very small, so I've been pretty spoiled. I guess technology has not advanced in that past 3 years. I looked at the iPhone again. Then I went to my local Starbucks (the only coffee shop open past 10pm, what a disgrace, LA!) til 10pm or so. There were a couple cute guys there. Then I decided to run over to the movie theater and watch "Precious" at 10:10. I just made it.

Today I woke up at 10:00am. An improvement from yesterday when I woke up at 10:30am. I was determined to get the most out of the day, so I got ready quickly and went to Glendale. I noticed ever since I got back from Taiwan 11/30 LA is like a ghost town. Everybody must be taking a long vacation for the month of December. There's been no one on the train. A lot less traffic than usual, even on the downtown stretch of the 110. It's pretty crazy to be driving 50 mph in stretches where usually it's 15-20 mph. That's why I decided I had to go to Porto's Bakery. Last time I went a few months ago it was so huge, packed and crazy, I walked right back out. As expected, today the line was quite short. Only 5 people. The dozens of tables were full, but I still found a table. It was still a bit inconvenient to go pick up my order in a different area than where I ordered. More standing around and waiting. Finally I got my cuban sandwich and sat and ate it and a muffin in peace. It was pretty good, but I don't know if I will go back there, because the sandwich was just a lot of meat and cheese. It was delicious, but I felt very unhealthy eating it, like I might as well eat at McDonald's. The other reason for going to Glendale was there was an AT&T shop nearby. I went there to look at more phones. They were friendlier than the places I went yesterday on the Westside, but still didn't have what I wanted. I got back in my car and drove back to the city to K-town, the other nearest AT&T store. A cute Korean guy with a bear body type was in charge of me. His name was Andrew. I followed him around the store. He looked up my account, told me about some phones and Bluetooth headsets. I ended up getting a black Nokia flip phone. They may have had it at the prior three stores I went, but I don't remember. I was just following Andrew around. He smelled good.

...upon the phone purchase
"I better get a Bluetooth headset."
"Our starter models are over here. They're all $39.99. We have the high end models in the back. Did you want to take a look at those?"
"What's the difference between these and the high end models?"
"They have multiple microphones, noise cancellation. They cancel out the ambient noise."
"Oh, ok."
"I can go get them and show you."
"Ok. I'll look at these for now."
"Ok."
...
"Actually the high end models are over here," he led me to the other side of the shop. "This is the highest end one we have."
"Hmm. I can't really tell the difference by looking... I'll just get one of the basic ones." We went back over to the four basic headsets on the other side of the shop.
"Which one would you like?"
"Mmm, I don't know. Do you know which one is better?"
"The Samsung one is the best, I think. It has a soft tip; it's confortable... The Motorola one is pretty good too."
"Umm, I'll get the Samsung."
"Ok. I'll ring you up over here."
We walked to the register. He continued unwrapping the phone, peeling back the protective film, putting in the SIM card and battery. Getting his fingerprints and smudges all of the phone. This made me excited.
"Oh, um, I just remembered all my phone numbers are on the phone as opposed to on the SIM card. Can I have it back for a minute so I can save it to the SIM card?"
"I can do it for you."
I gave him back the phone.
"Let me go in the back and move it over."
"Ok."
I waited for a couple minutes. The crowd was mostly latino at this K-town cell phone shop, a different crowd compared to the street outside where Korean families were walking with their kids from church back to their cars or seafood restaurants in this area. Inside the AT&T store, people milling around, eager to get their communication on with the latest cell phones, cell phone plans, and accessories. Andrew returned with an expression on his face not betraying any emotion. For a second I wondered if he was successful.
"Ok. I transferred it over."
"Oh thanks," I picked up the phone and flipped it open then closed a bit nervously.
"Well, you're all set. Do you have any questions for me?"
"... umm, can I give you my number so we can go on a date?"
"..," he looked a me and stepped side to side from one foot to the other. He looked around. "Ok."
"It's kind of funny. You already have my number on your screen, but let me give it to you." I tore off a piece of the service agreement he had given me and wrote my number on it and gave it to him. "Here you go."
"Alright, thanks."
"I better let you get back to work."
"Heh, yeah. Well, enjoy your new phone."
"Ok I will. Give me a call some time."
"Ok." *grin*
I waved bye and walked out of the store. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him looking at me then turn back to his computer. In the evening I received at e-mail from AT&T. "Dear ... ... I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for your recent purchase here at the WILTERN store. ... If you have any questions about your phone or service, please feel free to contact me, Andrew ... at (213) ...-..... " (details left out for privacy).

Well, at least that's how our encounter ended in my fantasy. Actually it happened like this.

"Well, you're all set. Do you have any questions for me?"
"... umm, no..."
"Ok."
"Alright, thanks. Bye."
"Bye. Enjoy your new phone."
"Ok."
I waved bye and walked out of the store. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him looking at me then turn back to his computer. In the evening I received at e-mail from AT&T. "Dear ... ... I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for your recent purchase here at the WILTERN store. ... If you have any questions about your phone or service, please feel free to contact me, Andrew ... at (213) ...-..... " (details left out for privacy).

After the phone shop, I went to home to charge the new purchases, cleaned, and studied a couple hours. Then went to a new friendly but crowded laundromat where the kindly Mexican owner walked around and exchanged bills for quarters by hand. After that, I droppedoff the laundry at my apartment and went to the gym. I cruised some guys there, but at the end I saw myself in the mirror and I looked kind of unattractive, with stubble, sweaty hair, dry skin. I went back to my apartment. It is pretty clean. I'll try to go to sleep early and have nice dreams in my newly washed sheets and pillow cases about knights in shining armor.

Kaohsiung

2009-11-27T12:52:33Z

Love love love Kaohsiung! Compared to Kaohsiung, Tainan is a small town (though it didn't feel that way when I left there this morning). The most "inappropriate" thing I saw in Tainan was a vending machine of "french tickler" condoms outside a store called "In Love." Meanshile in Kaohsiung there's smoking, gambling. A less wholesome (more honest?) place. A place not concerned with its image like Taipei and Tainan, both of which have reputations to uphold - Taipei as the storage chest of Chinese civilization, and Tainan as the country's historical capital. Meanwhile Kaohsiung is not interested in showing off how Taiwanese it is, and is getting on with the business of being a world city.

As soon as I arrived, I headed for the Love River riverwalk. Apparently the river got cleaned up in the last few years, and they did a really good job. It doesn't look like it was polluted before. It reminds of Bangkok, or Chicago. Especially at night, the light from the skyscrapers and river walk reflecting off the river.

My original plan was to stay in Tainan 3 days and take the bullet train back to Taipei for Saturday night. I left Tainan a day early to spend it in Kaohsiung, and now that I am here and feeling the energy of the city flowing through my body, I may just spend another day here in Kaohsiung. Thanks to the awesome bullet train, I'll have plenty of time to get back to Taoyuan to make my 4:30pm flight on Sunday.

Friday night. Off to the gay bars.

al1835 @ 2009-11-19T22:43:00

2009-11-20T06:43:02Z

It was my last day at work before I leave for Taiwan. People were being very annoying. I guess it's their way of showing they miss me already. Not everybody was anoying. Some people were very nice, like An. But De, my supervisor almost made me cry or scream. I had been under a lot of stress trying to get projects done for her, working late every night as far back as I can remember. Yesterday I had a doctor's appointment in the morning which had already put me off-balance. But this evening things really blew up when people kept giving me projects to check that were not ready. I had to keep giving the stuff back to them to correct. At the same time, I had to finish all my stuff before leaving for my trip. So aroun 7:00pm De came by my desk and said,"oh you gave THAT to HER?!" and looked at me like I was really stupid. She continued, "ugh. Sometimes you just..." Then somebody who was walking by said, "Hey, De, let him finish his work so he can leave." And she shouted, "that's what he gets for going on vacation!" I wanted to yell back, "that is so rude and ungrateful!" That is how I really felt. I've been slaving away to give her what she wanted, but clearly she did not appreciate any of it.

This is the time I was supposed to be starting the withdrawal period. I haven't thought about this before, but I think a couple days before I travel internationally I start to detach from my existing life and circumstances. In the same way a rocket casts off its support beams for a smooth take off, I start to talk less, interact less with my surroundings, because it is a transition from existing in a particular place to existing in the world. Which is a truer existence - encumbered by my circumstances, or unattached? Everything happens in a context, otherwise it's just jibberish.

Ja made his feelings known today by coming to annoy me during my stressful day. He came up and yelled "gue la!" ("foreigner/ghost" in Chinese) He's called me that so many times already in person and on facebook that I almost de-friended him. I have gone through so many week-long ignoring periods with him... With all his obnoxious, bragging, conservative, gun-toting, suburb-living, shoulder-massaging ... He's lucky he's gay (even if not out, specifically). That's the only reason I haven't cut him off completely.

al1835 @ 2009-09-09T22:18:00

2009-09-10T05:18:50Z

I had a very "into the looking glass" day today. While I was studying at a Starbucks in Atwater Village, ex boyfriend Br walked in. Instead of doing like our previous encounter in the West Hollywood Starbucks where he walked in, saw me, and walked back out, and I saw him speeding off in his new black Mercedes, this time he defiantly sat at a table (the same one I was sitting at an hour before, but moved to another one with that one in plan view, as if by fate) and we studied together side by side, but avoiding eye contact for about 2-3 hours, he with his oversized flash cards and I with my notebook of lists. He was as big, hairy, and cute as usual, with the fuzzy hair on the back of his neck and husky stature. He looked like he had lost 5-10 lbs, though his face looked the same. He sounded happy - one of the calls may have been from a boyfriend since it ended with an 'I love you' and had the same smiling, quiet, cooperative, business-like tone he had used with me for those 6 months. We took turns using the bathroom, avoiding eye contact the whole time though we were practically next to each other. Eventually he left, the chair and table in the sun empty as they were before his arrival. While we occupied the same space this afternoon, many thoughts went through my head. First some of the obvious ones - what if we stayed together, we would be studying sitting across from one another now instead of awkwardly avoiding each other across the room; were our incompatibilities temporary or permanent - such as the evening of Mamma Mia I had to miss due to a seminar in Chicago and his requests for presents from Tiffany's and Tumi Bags. Then some less obvious, but more deeply truthful thoughts like the reason I couldn't tear myself away from sharing the same space with him now and hearing him speak on his cell phone, I felt not like my current age of 28, but like I was 25 or 26, when we were going out. Probably he didn't think about that much any more. Unlike last time where the sight of me made him run away, this time he was going about his business as if I didn't exist, as if we never met, as if he moved on with my life and we were living our separate lives like we never met. Just like the way I felt two days ago running into more recent ex boyfriend Ma, I just want to say, "Sorry, I don't function that way! I can't just IGNORE people I dated/loved/had sex with." Maybe it was love, maybe it wasn't. Who knows, who cares. Running into both ex boyfriends within two days? That's surreal.

al1835 @ 2009-09-07T18:40:00

2009-09-08T01:40:42Z

I was at the gym working out on the stairmaster. I noticed someone standing next to me. It was Ma. "Hey, I just wanted to stop by and say hi!"
"Uhh, hi! What have you been up to?!"
"I just got back from Istanbul and Slovenia."
"Oh! How was it?"
"Good."
"Did you go to that club? ... dance ..."
"Love point?"
"Yeah."
"It was closed. We went to Tek Yon, which means One Way."
"Oh that one is fun too. It was only half way full when I went, I guess cause everyone was at Love Dance Point."
"Yes, Tek Yon took all of their business."
"..."
"Well, I just wanted to say hi. See you later."
"Ok, bye."

That is so LA. If this was some other, more honest city, we would either not say anything to each other and not be friends, or become friends and have real conversations. Not this bullshit somewhere between truth and fiction of ignoring the important details and acting like nothing ever happened. As if we never went out, found ourselves incompatible, stopped messaging each other, forgot about each other, and see each other at the gym now and then. Dishonest talk, dishonest sex, dishonest actions. Whole lives get built from this.

Times like these make me want to move away from LA. He acted so friendly that I missed being with him. I almost texted him after the gym telling him that, but decided not to since I didn't want to bother him, and also out of self respect. People say you shouldn't look for a boyfriend because you are needy and have a void in your life. You should first be happy being single and not expect someone else to fill your void. Well, if I stop needing a boyfriend to be happy, why would I want a boyfriend at all? Wouldn't it be a waste of time to hang out with someone just to pretend you are friendly and talk about idle things? The Chicagoan in me can't do that. I guess that's why I keep saying that I want to move away from LA. Though I still end up staying in LA. Maybe the same issues will exist no matter where I move. I don't remember how I felt about guys in Chicago, but seems like I left without looking back. Every fall I miss the crisp wind from the north, the warmth of life against the cold of the environment, the honesty and the exposed brick, but I must have left for good reasons, even though I can't seem to remember them now.

Labor Day - LA is out of town

2009-09-06T08:13:09Z

Noticeably less traffic around town today as everyone seems to be out of town for Labor Day weekend, including most of my coworkers at Jo and Er's wedding in Napa. Went to the gym this morning. Then had a breakfast burrito at Tere's. Went home, took a shower. Then studied at Borders for about 4 hours (i.e. 1/3-1/2 of the usual). It was hard to concentrate, but I did my best to focus and made it through most of the assumptions section. There are so many reasons not to study, but at some point they all have to be ignored. Then I picked up Ma and we went to Sports Chalet in Burbank where he looked at sunglasses and I looked at tents. We stopped at Ikea to get something to drink. On the way, I played a round of DDR at the arcade. Then we drove to Reseda for ramen. Then went to West LA for a 9:55pm showing of "Aruitemo, Aruitemo," which made me miss Japan - the heavy sliding doors, the tatami mat floors, the way life in a city/suburb still feels imbued with history and nature. We got to Nuart 50 minutes early, so I gave Ma a walking tour of my old neighborhood, which he seemed to like. After our movie there was a Rocky Horror Picture Show showing, so there were the teeneagers/college kids waiting in long line in the usual transvestite attire, etc. I was never much into it, but whatever. With some apprehension, I say tomorrow will be a day at the LA County Fair, though I should be studying. Well, I'll make the most of it and plan to study in the second half of the day, or just on Monday in the worst case scenario. Still no plans for Thanksgiving. Will I go somewhere with Ma? I put it out there, I'll keep putting off booking stuff and see if he comes around. Hopefully things will come together once I'm done with my test at end of October.

al1835 @ 2009-09-04T22:16:00

2009-09-05T05:16:38Z

I hate when I try to formulate my thoughts, but they come out dogmatic, declarative, normative. As if I know the truth and am forcing it onto people. Like, "An, your emails are always so emotional. In the business world you should take emotion out of your emails." Or, "you had to change in a unisex changing room? Now you know how I feel! Changing rooms make no sense."

After the words come out my mouth, I start second guessing myself. If I kept my mouth shut I wouldn't regret anything.

Though, on the walk home from the train, Thursday I think, I did keep my mouth shut and later regretted that too. A good looking guy was walking towards me. We made eye contact and exchanged smiles as we passed. After walking 20 feet, we looked back at each other over our shoulders. I turned back around and kept walking. I was too tired. I should have walked over and exchanged numbers for later. Things like this always happen so quickly.

al1835 @ 2009-08-30T22:21:00

2009-08-31T05:21:57Z

Work is not fun these days. And the people I talk to defiantly proclaim they don't understand me and I should be happy to have a job at all. What happened to Generation Y that everyone became so self-righteous all of a sudden? These were the same people in college concerned with finding themselves, not selling out, being true to themselves. Well, I guess they all found themselves some time around 2003-2004, because that's when I stopped hearing talk about "finding ourselves" and started hearing "sit down and shut up. You should be thankful for what you have." Even in liberal California, which you think would be a place where that spirit is preserved, happily sold out. Go to San Francisco and instead of hippie spirit you'll find cut-throat yuppies in Armani and Prada glasses stabbing each other in the back for prime Mission lofts. LA is more laid back, but is also full of people who will smile at you and tell you to your face, "what do I care if Labor Day is a holiday?! I think you are confused about the type of place this is. This is not play time. I have a company to run." These people don't care about anyone's humanity. Their goal is to get the most out of you for as little as possible. Therefore, I have made it my goal to give them as little as possible.

al1835 @ 2009-08-18T23:08:00

2009-08-19T06:08:41Z

i think i am starting to feel empty and unhappy because study season is starting again. today i tried to cram some boring material in my head for a couple hours. now i feel unmotivated to go to work tomorrow.

finding myself surrounded by people i don't respect

2009-08-19T05:53:00Z

Wow. Reading some of my coworkers' facebook pages makes me respect them even less. One was in Tri Delt sorority in college. Another has friends who seem to be losers, staying in the same city their whole life and staying loyal to the same company no matter how much it mistreats them, just passing the mistreatment onto others cause that's the way you get promoted. Yuck. Well, you can learn what kind of person someone is by looking at who their friends are. Obviously this is not the sort of thing I can post on facebook, which is why facebook feels so useless and irrelevant to me. You can't speak your mind on facebook because it becomes public information, so what's the point of even having a profile there?

al1835 @ 2009-08-17T20:22:00

2009-08-18T03:22:17Z

jesus! i don't even LIKE drinks. so don't be trying to lure me in with "it's gonna be fun! we'll have drinks! we'll go DRINKING together. it's gonna be so much fun!" yuck. that's why ti and i got along so well. because all we ever did was spend days studying together and took breaks for eating and going to the gym. and another thing. is it just me, or is "catching up" something that happens between people who don't like each other all that much and therefore don't keep in touch, but every now and then get together to pretend they're still friends and "catch up". mmhmm. please.

More inputs to ignore

2009-08-13T05:02:04Z

"Guess who's coming to town and wants to see you?!"
"Guess who's living in the town and doesn't want to see you?!"

Mi, an ex-coworker of mine is coming to town. Apparently she wants to see me. You would think once I left Tokyo, traveled thousands of miles away, and 5 years later living in Los Angeles, I would never run into any of these English teachers again. Yet one by one the appear in town visiting this friend or that. It's never the people I got along with, either. Those are still in Tokyo, some still teaching English. No, the ones visiting LA are always the ones who kissed ass, stepped on people to get ahead, and made life unpleasant for the rest of us. And now all of a sudden they're "coming to town" and we're supposed to be "best friends?!" Umm, I don't think so. The goal for 2009 is "less fake, more real, back to reality." In honor of that, I am not going to happy hours at work because I don't like them, being more honest with people and saying no, and generally listening more to myself and not doing things that make me uncomfortable, like not going to concerts of music I don't like even though it might hurt people's feelings, not calling people I don't like talking to, and spending my free time in ways that make me happy.

I feel in any other point in my life these people - Ma the boyfriend, An the friend at work, Na the ex-coworker from a former life, Ja the gay coworker, would be trusted agents acting in my best interest. But for some reason, maybe because it is LA or the corporate world or mid-late-20s, the only person who is looking out for my best interests is myself. All these other people are just telling me what to do and acting in their own interests, but presenting it as if they're looking out for me, like when Na emailed me saying,"Mi is coming to town, isn't that great?! Let's all hang out." As if Mi wasn't one of my enemies from a former life. Or when Ja presented the happy hour after work as this fun event that would be political suicide not to go. Posers and liars telling big self interested lies with big smiles on their faces. Good thing at least I'm being true to myself. Cause without that, what is the point?

I remember the Riddle Homophobia Scale:

This really applies in my attitude toward many people. Towards Mi I feel somewhere between Pity and Tolerance, but not Acceptance. With Ma I feel between Tolerance and Acceptance, but not as far as Support or Admiration.

Lately I am a little fed up with white people. The way they act like the world is there to entertain them, and how they presume the world is split into "white" and "nonwhite." As if whiteness was something great to aspire to. I see this in the way my mother gets all excited and tries to convince me to go to Europe on vacation, and the way she sounds disappointed at the thought I might go to Africa. I see it in the way white people talk about the world as their sampler, as if they are the subject looking over the "flavors." I see it in the way white people tell others what's best for them, like they're the judge of the world.

The interesting thing is, recently this whiteness is spilling over to nonwhites. An asian guy I am dating also exhibits a lot of these behaviors: racist jokes, looking down on people who take public transportation as "quaint," looking down on vacation destinations that aren't Italy, telling everyone what is good for them.

Seems like the "ignore" button is becoming more and more handy in the modern world: people spam. I'm sure a lot of it is LA, but probably a lot of it is also the dishonesty and ass-kissing of the corporate world, and having to interact with the general masses I've been shielded from somewhat in high school based on classes I took and in college.

Another interesting observation is I saw two white guys in the past week I found attractive. I haven't found white guys attractive in years, but for some reason this week I saw two that I would accept. Also I cruised two black guys this week - one at the train station and one on the street - that I found hot. We made eye contact and I sensed a piece of understanding. My imagination took the events to their logical conclusion - consummation. With all the above, it felt like my attraction to them was based on their body language and facial expression as opposed to their race, though who knows what part was due to either. With the white guy this evening, I was attracted to his husky body type, the fact that he was unshaved and wore all black, including a black t-shirt and baseball cap. With the black guy at the train station yesterday, I was attracted to the fact that we maintained eye contact for a good second and a half and he had the look of intelligence in his eyes.

By the way, I do not appreciate the trend toward propriety. It is caused by spending most of our time at work where we are not allowed to have "inappropriate conversations." So that becomes our personality and our sexuality whithers away. Especially evident with lawyers like Ma and Jo.

to be or not to be

2009-08-09T04:01:38Z

Milan for Thanksgiving?

al1835 @ 2009-08-04T21:40:00

2009-08-05T04:40:13Z

I am feeling very jealous because Ma is online at Adam4Adam cruising guys. I guess he sees our dating as just whatever.

al1835 @ 2009-08-02T21:37:00

2009-08-05T04:37:56Z

Preoccupied with thoughts of Ma, I didn't check if I had enough cash when I went into the noodle bar. When I realized it, I offered the waiter my wallet as collateral while I run to the atm. He said, just give me what you have ($6) and come back next time. That's pretty crazy and generous. I tend to view the world as a cold and inhospitable place. I never give money to homeless people. I don't expect any generosity from people towards me either. So when things like that happen, I get confused and don't really know how to react.

The thoughts I've been having about Ma is that if I could do what I wanted, I would call him every day. Maybe it's a Russian thing? Ok. I just got off the phone with St who advised me not to call Ma every day because it seems like a bit much.

al1835 @ 2009-07-30T21:44:00

2009-07-31T04:44:55Z

Tonight I finally hooked up the TV to the DVD player. Ma is coming over tomorrow to watch a movie. I don't feel a spark between us, but I am determined to not be the one who breaks off the relationship. It seems unhealthy, but what is the alternative? Being single and going on a man hunt all the time, and being unsatisfied for not having a boyfriend. Each time Ma and I get together, I hope for something redeeming to happen. A deep conversation, a little bit of honesty, some cuddling, but all that happens is awkward fidgeting and arguments. I do remember what the spark feels like. I've felt it before with other guys. One of these days I'll say something. But for now I am biding my time with Ma.

This evening after work I did a bit of cooking- salad, soba. De, my boss, is gone this week and so are most of the other senior level people. I've been busy and stressed out this week trying to get stuff done that De wanted. I should have listened to Li when she pointed out that was pointless since De or Be weren't going to be around to check it, so it would just sit around til Monday anyway. No point in staying late to work on it. So I left work at 5 today and drove around alternagay/pretentious Silverlake to get dinner and salad ingredients. Now it is time to wind down before bed and I will continue reading Middlesex because I can't seem to concentrate on studying on weekday evenings. The weekends are more productive in that respect.

al1835 @ 2009-07-30T21:35:00

2009-07-31T04:35:14Z

Sometimes our dreams synthesize and put into words feelings we can't synthesize while awake.

I had a dream last night I was searching for Vi. He was a stocky Italian bear who always had a hot haircut and we had great sex. He voted republican, smoked meth, played X Box, and his favorite tv show was Malcolm in the Middle, all of which were personality traits I didn't like. He also snored, which is the reason we could not have a relationship. When we met my sophomore year, he was living in a condo in South Loop, the area just south of downtown Chicago that still had skyscrapers, but wasn't considered part of downtown proper. From his living room window, he had a north-facing view of downtown and in particular a building that looked like batman.

al1835 @ 2009-07-19T20:32:00

2009-07-20T03:32:11Z

Tonight Ma and I had another date. We went to a Korean BBQ restaurant. I had been looking forward to it all week, especially with all the txt messages we sent back and forth. But at the end of the date he didn't want to come upstairs and didn't want to make out in the car. I guess that means it's over. If there's any lesson we've learned from Sex and the City, it's that if a guy is into you, he WILL come upstairs despite korean food breath, despite being tired, despite there not being convenient street parking. Actions speak louder than words. When anything is used as an excuse, it means he is not interested. I wish I knew for sure, so I would know if I should keep pursuing him or let it go.

Moving Thoughts - Move 1

2009-07-19T06:50:01Z

Where did you move from/to? From Belarus to US.
When? January 1992.
Why? Our whole family moved as political refugees.
Were you the one who decided to move? No. I was 10 and nobody asked me.
Did you want to move? No. There were certainly a lot of bad things about living in USSR, but I had a full life there - school, friends, hobbies. I was doing reasonably well in school and was a city child proud of have a European capital as my territory. It felt strange, scary, and unnecessary to pick up and move away from it to some place strange and unknown.
How did you feel before the move? I was starting to have feelings for my best friend De. Instead of reciprocating, he became distant and became close friends with a 16 year old hooligan/bully just because he was strong and popular and had an entourage of admirers. They rarely invited me to do stuff with them, so I decided I didn't like them anyway. So, in many ways, my distancing from De began about 6 months to a year before I moved away.
How did you feel shortly after the move? I felt like a whirlwind picked me up from an environment I knew and dropped me in the middle of a dull, ignorant place (aka the Midwest) full of stupid, fat people. A group of (moderately Christian) boys in school befriended me, but I was suspicious that they only did it because they felt sorry for me. Why would someone want to be my friend when they knew nothing about me?! And clearly the did not know anything about me, since we didn't speak each other's language.
How did you feel after a while, after settling in at the new place? After spending the first 10 years of my life in a european city, I hated the suburbs in the Midwest. Little by little, I had to do whatever to escape and go live in the big city.
How did you feel after you lived long enough at the new place that if you did nothing and lived your life automatically you would stay there forever? A bucket of lard.
If you are living there now, how do you feel about it? If I still lived in St. Louis, I think I would be pretty miserable.
Do you miss the place you moved from? I miss many things about it: walking everywhere and seeing the seasons change all around me, having friends who are as smart and interesting as I am, speaking my native language that I have spoken from birth, and being eloquent, living in a place of my culture. There are also many things I don't miss: fear propaganda, being afraid of everything, a totally different experience of what it means to be free. In the Western World, freedom means you can be anything and do anything you want. In USSR, freedom means you have the right to make decisions in your head and choose how to spend your day, like which tram line to take, or which friends to spend your evenings with. Most people don't have cars and don't make enough money to buy plane tickets, so the feeling of freedom doesn't mean you imagine getting behind the driver's wheel of your car on Friday afternoon and setting out on the open road for a weekend trip. It's a more constrained freedom within the limits of public transportation, central planning, activities that are socially acceptable. I actually have no idea how my homosexuality would have manifested itself if I stayed in USSR, but I know it would have been a very different experience from the one I had in Chicago. I don't think it would have been better or worse. Just different. I have no idea how. When I left in 1992, the only mention of AIDS and education about STDs consisted of fear mongering posters of a really scary grim reaper killing people with a syringe, and big scary blown up diagrams tapeworms. It was so ineffective because Russia's way of dealing with stuff was to scare people as opposed to educate them. It was very backwards and scary that as recently as 1992 there are places in the world that use those tactics and to think I might not have been educated properly about HIV and STDs if I stayed there, even now.
Do you think about your prior home? I think about it maybe once a month. Whenever I think about it I have to be careful of the context and where I allow the thoughts to go. For example, whenever I start planning a trip, I think about Kazakhstan and how that is one of the next places I want to go. However, I have to be careful to not think about the fact that my aunt and uncle recently went there. They live in Ukraine and took the Transsiberian Railroad there on vacation. I don't want to think about Kazakhstan in that context of visiting them, because it only makes me upset. So I have to think about it in context of going to Xinjiang and crossing over by way from Urumqi to Almaty (not Alma-Ata, as we have been taught in school in USSR, because that would mean I am thinking of it from the perspective of the oppressor and the past, as opposed to the new independent Kazakhstan). It's the same thing when I see some Russian music videos and feel attracted to the guys and it makes me want to go to Russia to go clubbing in Moscow or St. Petersburg, but I know if I go there I will have to visit family, so I stop thinking about it.
Has your prior home changed since you moved away even though your image of it has not changed since you moved? It has changed a lot, but the few clips I manage to watch also make me feel like certain things have not changed. The year we moved,1992, USSR started undergoing full scale conversion from communism to capitalism. Suddenly concert stages became flooded with advertisements for pagers. The advertisements were so many and so garish, in your face, they made the concerts and shows unwatchable. I felt sad to see the culture I knew get cheapened in that way. I couldn't do much about it, though, since I was leaving it behind.
Do you wish you hadn't moved? I don't know. I have no idea what would have happened to me if I stayed, what kind of person I would have become, what I would have studied in college, what would be my job, what would be my interests, what would be my romantic situation. I saw a music video today of a pop group from the late 1990s. The guys were hot. Very fuckable. Weird that it's totally not the kind of guys I've been dating lately. I have not felt attracted to white guys at all the past few years, but the guys from modern Russia in that music video turned me on.
In retrospect, was it a good thing that you moved? Yes. I have a lot of negative things to say about Americans and the US. However, after living in Japan I came to the conclusion that US is the best place to live; it's just that you have to leave for periods of time to expose yourself to the outside world. It may be possible that Europe is the best place to live, but I think Western Europe probably has the same closed minded general population as the US - people who don't appreciate the freedoms they have and don't take advantage of them, because they've had them their whole lives. So, they are content to go to Turkey or Bulgaria on vacation in the same way ignorant Americans flock to Puerto Vallarta and Acapulco.
Would you like to go back and visit/move back temporarily/move back permanently? I would like to go back to experience Russia/Belarus/Ukraine on my own terms. Sadly, I don't think that's possible as long as any of my living remaining family members are still living there.
In the long term, do you see yourself moving back to your old place, staying where you are currently, or moving somewhere else altogether? Actually, I am proud of Belarus, despite all the anti-semitism, racism, lack of diversity, bigoted white males that make up the majority of the population, culture of fear, competitive jock culture. I love Belarus because I feel connected to its history which goes back 1,000 years, because it is a big, deep, dark forest of tall pine trees and how they smell. A forest full of wolves, big bears, legends, poltergeists, forest creatures, witches that live in the forest and ride a broom at night, cackling, and eating anyone unlucky enough to find themselves along in the pitch black countryside. I love the wind that blows from Scandinavia, the school uniforms, the field trips, the river that flowed through the city, the fact that nobody walks around with a blank expression on their face the way people do in the US. I wish Belarus was a first world country and not a repressive totalitarian regime that is one of the last countries in the world! holding out on mapping their streets on Google Maps. Belarus and North Korea. The only remaining holdouts. So, yeah, I would like to move back in 50 years and find a first world country where I can be myself, and live there forever, speaking Russian, being gay, having gay sex, and feeling connected to my history and heritage.
Do you think you will have the opportunity to do so? It is unlikely, but in 50 years stranger things have happened.
Is there a major event or deadline that would drive the decision? Yeah, when Belarus legalizes gay marriage, joins the EU, generally becomes a more democratic and open society, and when I can find work there in my field. Although I enjoy Bizet and Spain, I am not one of those Western European snobs who needs for Belarus to become a copy of Western Europe and pick up and move the country to Western Europe for location/convenience/proximity to the UK. Actually, I like that it is located in the east. I like that friendships in the USSR are a lot tighter than their Western European counterparts where people treat each other like they're disposable, and if you're not a good enough friend I'll just drop you and find somebody better, same as in the US.
Do the people that made you feel connected to the old place still live there or have they moved on to other cities? De, who was my best friend, moved to The Hague in the Netherlands. A couple other friends moved to Israel where they seem to be straight and in the army. The rest of my friends from school are probably still living there.
Have you gone back to visit the old place while your connections were still living there? No.
Have you gone back to visit the old place after your connections moved on to other cities? No.
Have you visited your connections in their new cities? I visited the Netherlands, but chose not to reconnect with De. It made me uncomfortable to think someone could be your friend for 10 years, then stop being your friend, then you are cut off, then suddenly you're suppose to just pick up where you left off and be friends again? Maybe girls work that way, or some people, but I don't work that way. My personality works more gradually. It takes me a long time to adjust to change. On the surface, it may look like I adjust right away - when I travel to a new city, I land on the ground running, experiencing the local culture, going out to be a part of the city life as soon as drop my stuff off at the hotel, sometimes even before that, stopping places on the way to the hotel. However, on a deeper level, it takes me a long time to adjust to a new environment and feel like myself. Like, if I am friends with somebody and they stop talking to me, it takes me a while to stop considering them my friend. And if somebody is all friendly to me, it'll take me a while to call them a friend. Gay is a process. US is a process. Russia is a process. Friendship is a process. All of these concepts have 5 year phase in periods.

al1835 @ 2009-07-18T22:44:00

2009-07-19T05:44:24Z

I am a proud member of generation Y and how mobile and worldly we are. Flying is second nature and we easily move from one continent to another. We are not defined by borders on the ground. Our network of friends is global. However, we are still human and feel connection to time and space, locations. Lately I've been thinking about this topic - to what extent are we tied to our current location, or a previous location where we lived for a period of time long enough for us to form an attachment to that place. Do we think about our prior home? Has our prior home changed since we moved away even though our image of it has not changed since we moved?

Where did you move from/to?
When?
Why?
Were you the one who decided to move?
Did you want to move?
How did you feel before the move?
How did you feel shortly after the move?
How did you feel after a while, after settling in at the new place?
How did you feel after you lived long enough at the new place that if you did nothing and lived your life automatically you would stay there forever?
If you are living there now, how do you feel about it?
Do you miss the place you moved from?
Do you wish you hadn't moved?
Would you like to go back and visit/move back temporarily/move back permanently?
In the long term, do you see yourself moving back to your old place, staying where you are currently, or moving somewhere else altogether?
Do you think you will have the opportunity to do so?
Is there a major event or deadline that would drive the decision?
Do the people that made you feel connected to the old place still live there or have they moved on to other cities?
Have you gone back to visit the old place while your connections were still living there?
Have you gone back to visit the old place after your connections moved on to other cities?
Have you visited your connections in their new cities?
Was it just one person or several friends? If several, were you all part of one social circle, or do they know you but not each other?
Did you get the same feeling of community spending time with them in the new environment?
Did your experience of them in their new city match up with the personality you had for them in your mind,e.g. "an East Coast person," "a San Francisco person," an "LA person?"

al1835 @ 2009-07-18T21:18:00

2009-07-19T04:18:27Z

In the morning, went to Michelle's Pancakes with Jo and Ro. They bought a new condo in San Gabriel. Sigh, if only I had been a lawyer. Ma cancelled last night. I got tired texting him all week. If you want to spend time with me, just do it. I am not going to waste my time sending text messages back and forth.

I'm starting to study for Exam DP in November. These last two exams, CSP and DP, are pretty impossible. The statistics say 40% of the people taking them pass, but I really don't see how that's possible. I don't understand how anyone can pass those written answer exams. There are 2,000 pages of material, and the questions they ask pick out 1 or 2 pages and ask a specific question about it. I guess it would be more doable if I didn't have a job that required me to work as late as necessary to get projects done. I know that's why so many people quit - too much pressure for not much payoff. It's pretty stupid the managers never get the point. They drive people like horses, the workers quit, and the managers act all surprised, like the employee who quit was just ungrateful and lazy. Ha! Can't wait until I quit.

the real world

2009-07-15T02:07:03Z

If I get excited in person or call him when we're apart, he ignores me. If I don't get excited in person or don't call him, he says I seem ambivalent and he's not sure if I really like him. Yes, that's exactly what I am looking for in a boyfriend: someone who is seeking attention but ignores me when I give it to him.

Also, what's the deal with controlling one's ego? If I want something but don't get it (i.e. Ma/homo sex), and then tell myself to stop wanting it, what then? Do I dissolve my personality, stop being myself/change what it means to be myself, and just float along like a leaf? It's neither good nor bad, neither life nor death, neither happiness nor sadness. But what is it, and is it the best course of action?

al1835 @ 2009-07-12T15:44:00

2009-07-12T22:44:46Z

I ran into Ma at the gym today. He saw me and came by to say hi.

Ma "... do this weekend?"
Me "What am I doing this weekend?"
Ma "What did you do last night? I got back (from my parents') around 10:30pm and my friends called me like, 'you're coming out with us.' and we went to Faultline (a leather bar). What did you do? You should have gone out in Silverlake (gay neighborhood)."
"Go out?" I thought. "But I already found you. Why would I go out? Isn't the point of going out to meet somebody? I don't even like going out."
Me "Oh... I... think I just stayed home... Cause what time was it when you left, 5:00pm?"
Ma "Like 4:30pm."
Me "Yeah, I think I stayed home and went to bed around 11:00pm."
He laughed, suggesting I go to bed too early when I should be out partying at the bars.
Ma "Well, see you later."
Me "Ok. Bye."
He went back to his machine. Later I saw him walk past me without making eye contact and leave.

I am confused. I thought we had a good time.I sent him a text message last night to that effect and he responded he had a good time too and wanted to to do it again. But at the gym I was getting the vibe he wanted us to keep going out and meeting other people. I don't get it.

At the same time, I am trying to keep myself in check. I know I have a tendency to be "all or nothing." Get attached very quickly, and have to spend every waking moment together. If he doesn't want to spend all day every day together, I get upset and feel like he doesn't like me. I realize that is not a healthy attitude either. I am just frustrated because I want a boyfriend and it is taking all this time and have to wade through mixed signals.