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Saturday, August 12th, 2017

Time:10:27 pm.
I continue to be surprised by the lack of empathy in how people treat me. Mother decided we were going to meet in Boston for a family trip, despite the fact that I didn't want to go. Ma, a junior coworker, used an app that predicts people's age to go around the table and take each person's picture, telling them their age, basically embarrassing each person one by one in front of the group.

These are two recent examples just to document examples of this trend I have been seeing of people deliberately ignoring others feelings and using them for their benefit and entertainment. Another example was Mi client's management report where the whole team decided they were too busy to work on it, dumping the project on me, where I had to work nights and weekends to finish it. I find it very rude and disgusting how people mistreat each other, which is a daily occurrence these days.
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Thursday, August 10th, 2017

Time:1:46 pm.
I find it interesting how little effort people put into trying to understand each other. They don't actually care about understanding each other, in fact. What they care about is understanding the situation so they can determine how it impacts them. Beyond that, they don't care about the other people.
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Friday, August 4th, 2017

Time:11:03 pm.
I have so few experiences these days that nourish my soul: things like Dar Williams songs that I actually believe. Rather, all my time is spent having my energy drained meeting other people's demands and wants! What about me and my wants and needs? It's been ages since anyone cared about that.

Maybe that's part of getting older: people don't care about you as much. However, it doesn't mean I have to participate in their seeing me as an old person or someone who doesn't deserve to be happy.
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Friday, July 28th, 2017

Subject:special meanings. My true self in a dishonest time
Time:12:13 am.
Stockholm, New Year, Korea

Freedom, Promise, Determination
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Monday, February 27th, 2017

Time:6:40 am.
Hotttcute is Offline
USA - California - Southern CA LA City - West Hollywood - West Hollywood West
Hottt top
34, 5'7", 150lb, 30w. Slim, Black, Smooth, Asian. Looking for: Friendship, 1-on-1 Sex, 3some/ Group Sex, Relationship, Love, Fun/NSA, Dating, Networking.
I'm a top here, would love bb and play only with neg. and std free
also love to kissing, cuddling , sucking, getting sucked and love to fuck hard 😊
Fitness, movie, hiking
Scene Casual, Out Yes, Smoke No, Drink No, Drugs No, Zodiac Virgo.
6.5", Cut, Top, Safe Sex Only, HIV Negative. Prefer meeting at: My Place.
Massage, haircut
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Subject:Words only get in the way
Time:12:14 am.
Wow, I just had one of the best, top 10 sexual experiences of my life. It was with Pa, a chubby 33 yo of Japanese heritage here in west LA. We made out for a while then I sucked his dick, then he fucked me on my stomach, then on my back, piledriver style like in the best pornos. Our bodies pressed tightly together, our sweat mixing. What made this encounter unique is how little we said. The only words uttered during the 90 minute sexcapade was him saying in the beginning, "shall we get to it?" Throughout all the kissing, sucking and fucking, it seemed inappropriate to say anything. We were communicating with our antennas. That's what I remember about the two guys I went out with in Japan: their samurai seriousness, skill, and how we communicated without speaking. Was it by glances? Body language? Maybe that was part of it, but from the first person perspective, the best way I can describe it is antennas and signals, mind-reading without the need to say anything. We were evolved past spoken communication. Side note: the auspicious thing about tonight is it was Oscars night, no small observation in LA where the even takes on a religious significance not unlike the auguries of Ancient Rome. We may not acknowledge it verbally, but we are very much aware of them and live in their shadow.
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Saturday, January 28th, 2017

Time:11:19 pm.
Some guys take their masculinity quite seriously. Living in SF you forget... something to be thankful for.
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Thursday, January 26th, 2017

Time:12:35 am.
Despite the ghetto motel accommodations, I still get a feeling of wellbeing when I drive into LA. It's the weather and abundance of space. It truly is a world away from cold and inhospitable San Francisco. Ironically when I lived in LA, I always felt SF truly understands me and LA does not. My European sensibility, my ambition, love of urban environments. Now that I live in the Bay Area, I feel the other way around: SF is too competitive, LA is the place that understands me best with treating people as people rather than as robots, the sense of normalcy and comfort. Tomorrow will show whether I get laid and by whom, which is the ruler I use to define whether it was a successful trip. As usual, I wish I were staying in LA rather than going to Vegas, but oh well. That'll be the February trip: more sex, less Vegas.
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Tuesday, January 24th, 2017

Time:10:27 pm.
Pa is a friend I would like to fuck. He is a former coworker who texts me every few months to catch up, to which I generally agree. He was junior to me when we worked together but he now has a well paying job where we are arguably on the same level, though he seems to treat me as a respected elder. That's fine I guess, call me what you want as long as you call me time and again.
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Time:10:07 pm.
Living in the suburbs has made me too sensitive. I spend all day thinking about how to make others happy. Recall the days I was living in the city and took pride in being a bad person, someone who ignores facebook messages that aren't in his best interest, and so on. Nowadays I have to force myself to be such a person. In any case, tomorrow is another opportunity. I'm setting my alarm.
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Sunday, January 22nd, 2017

Time:12:50 pm.
Unlike LA, living in SF means I have actual feelings. Happiness, sadness. In LA everything gets filtered through happiness, but in SF I have the full range of emotions. In the end, they turn out happy, which is also a San Francisco thing.

I have been feeling down due to several client meetings scheduled over the next month and a half, three to be exact. Two in the upcoming week (one in the Bay Area and one in SoCal) and one at the end of February in SoCal. The political situation has not helped matters. I decided to go to a couple protests - the anti-inauguration one on Friday in San Francisco and the Women's March yesterday in Oakland. This definitely helped to uplift me and left me feeling energized and optimistic. As a result, I decided to take the Friday off following my meeting on Thursday and make it a long weekend in LA and Vegas. Time I spend in LA tends to be filled with sex. Time I spend in Vegas tends to be filled with active relaxation: brunch, massage, shopping, a show if I'm lucky, a stop by downtown Vegas, which I find to be a fascinating, literary place (indeed there is an independent bookstore there as well as a zine library cum kombucha bar).
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Friday, January 20th, 2017

Time:10:23 pm.
"Why protest? It's futile."
"You wouldn't understand. You were never young."
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Thursday, January 19th, 2017

Time:9:23 am.
Simple people don't want you to actually be happy. They only want you to look like you're happy.
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Tuesday, January 17th, 2017

Time:6:53 pm.
Spending the day working from home rather than going to the office was most definitely a good idea. Aside from the obvious fact I didn't have to buy presents for the white elephant gift exchange and bake for the holiday baking contest, it just gave me a chance to relax after a stressful weekend with Ma. It wasn't one of my most productive days, but I did get a lot of stuff done, more importantly I feel happy and re-energized for the rest of the week and I already know I will be super productive tomorrow.

One of the things that re-energizes me is thinking about guys and looking at naked photos of them, which I did a lot of today. In fact the whole romantic aspect is something that I enjoy: flirting, cuddling, foot massages, things like that.
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Subject:Gathering of mana
Time:8:23 am.
This morning I ask myself: where do I get the energy and resolve to provide leadership and guidance through today. From my immediate surroundings, I gather up the spirit of life, taking in all good things, all uplifting and encouraging things that center me and allow power and confidence to come from within myself. I cast off the negative feelings that accumulated this weekend from hanging out with Ma and all the crap and negativity he passed to me. There are so many people, including my supervisor Sc, who selfishly send toward me energy that is good for them but bad for me. I refuse to let it affect my day today and resolve to have a productive day accomplishing many things having cast off all that negativity.
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Monday, January 16th, 2017

Time:11:47 pm.
I'm so sick of lying and being fake. I am forced to do it all day or most of the day and it's really pissing me off. And so, here is a list of things I really think but cannot say out loud during the day.

Things I love:
Being in charge
Knowing what I'm doing

Things I hate:
Ma - never want to see him again. He makes me feel powerless and drains my energy.
Ka - got the job through connections, now I have to work with the idiot
The fact that I spend most of my days lying and being dishonest because that's how society and corporate America works: you have to smile and pretend to be nice to people and interested in what they are saying

Things I am ambivalent about:
My brother - a real loser these days, living in parents basemnt, smoking marijuana, barely holding down a job. lost potential

How I wish I could spend my time:
Being in love, doing romantic things
Being honest

How I actually spend my time:
Working too much in hope to achieve financial independence, or at least security

Things I am uncertain about:
Travel. It hasn't brought me as much pleasure as I hoped recently, to the point where I'd rather spend my time at home nesting rather than living out of a suitcase somewhere in Europe, Asia or India
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Subject:Some purposes hula serves in my life
Time:9:14 pm.
There are, of course, many hulas. Ones for battle, meditation, love poems, sex poems, ones about standing your ground. For me hula serves many purposes. In these turbulent, potentially stressful first few weeks of the year, it has served as an outlet for frustrations I have held inside while spending time with people who tend to drive me crazy. In the case of the first class of the year, it was a meditation following spending a few days with family. Today's class was a lion's roar after a weekend with Ma where I held my tongue clenched, following a Friday where I told a coworker who was driving me crazy, "I'm about to say something I will regret later, so I'm just not going to say anything."
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Tuesday, January 3rd, 2017

Time:9:15 am.
Living in San Francisco really sucks sometimes. You are accosted from all directions by unpleasant inputs. Take this morning's walk to the bus, for example. From the top and the sides, you are accosted by cold rain. From the sides, the clang and beep of garbage trucks. Screaming children. A house owner sweeping wet, mowed grass from her property walks right up to your face, as you pass by on the sidewalk in front of HER house (the sidewalk is always passing by in front of SOMEONE'S house, because San Francisco is densely packed). She says, Good Morning! right in your face, demanding you respond the same way. Competitive San Franciscancs turn every encounter into a confrontation. When you kneel down to tie your shoe, a large dog suddenly appears in your face to scare you, its owner shrugging around the corner like it's not his problem you knelt down to tie your shoe. If anything, you're the one in his way.
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Sunday, January 1st, 2017

Time:9:06 pm.
It's pretty ridiculous to listen in on some conversations in a San Francisco coffeeshop. Within seconds, people turn the conversation back to their favorite topic: themselves, how great and smart and capable they are. It's mind numbing to listen to. How can people stand listening to such shit. I would just stand up and walk out.
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Tuesday, December 27th, 2016

Time:7:34 pm.
On a night like this - the cold, dark city moving and clanging around me - I feel most at home. Everyone is on their way to somewhere important...
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LiveJournal for al1835.

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You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.